Sunday, 12 December 2009
This is actually the third time I’ve started this post and I hope I finish this time or at least that I have time to. I’ve kept really busy this week and I should be doing so today but I didn’t get a chance to sleep in so I guess I’m not behind schedule yet. Sunday mornings (and sometimes Saturday, too) in the guys’ dorm just sucks horribly. People just start blasting their music for about two hours or more starting at 7:30 am and this is something I can’t explain. Today (right now), it’s the guy living next door, Dylan’s roommate, who’s been pumping hip-hop all morning and even plugged in his own microphone to sing along for a while despite his tone-deafness. This is good motivation to avoid drinking yourself into a position in which you’ll wake up hungover because Saturday and Sunday mornings are the absolute worst until about 9:30 or 10 and then they go do something else. I still don’t understand this habit, but this isn’t what this post is about.
I just want to take a second here to congratulate everyone at home on completing their finals and I hope everyone makes it home alright if that’s where they’re heading. Let’s hope that the weather is a little more manageable this season as well. It seems weird to me that people are finishing up right now because we’re only at about midterms here or maybe not even that far. Some other American students here didn’t change their program dates when they learned that UDSM was going to start late, so we actually saw a lot of them partying last night because they’re heading home today. Crazy. I can’t even imagine that and as much as I kind of wish I was at home sometimes, my work here is still far from finished and I won’t be ready to do that anytime soon. Especially going from this weather to the cold at home… I don’t think I could do that. Still, though, congratulations everyone. I wish I was you right now just because I’m tired of homework.
My days here have gotten significantly better since last Sunday and even since I wrote those last two short posts. I told you that I was feeling really down last Sunday; one of the days where I just wanted to get on a plane out of here as soon as possible. But that all changed in the afternoon when Dylan and I met this random guy at a restaurant that we went to study at. His name is Andrey, if you couldn’t tell from the title of this post, and we’ve hung out with him and his friends quite a few times in the last week. These guys are definitely different than anyone else we’ve really met here at UDSM – not your typical student here at all. We’re still meeting them and learning more so I can’t really say that much, but they’re kind of like the high rollers on campus I think. They basically have their own section of this restaurant on campus where they just hang out and drink or smoke cigarettes all day. We first met Andrey because we accidentally sat down at his table when he was away and we thought it was empty, but he came and joined us and talked to us for a few hours when we decided to listen to him instead of doing the homework we planned on doing. He gave us a much different perspective on things and I preferred that kind of education more than the book learning we’ve been doing mostly. That’s what I signed up to do here, meet people, and although the classes are alright, I think what I’ll remember most is the other people that I meet and get to know. Still, it all started with Andrey…
Things have been much better for me since that Sunday afternoon/evening. I did still write up those two little dramatic posts but that was mostly because I couldn’t tell if the change in attitude was only temporary. I still don’t know if it is or not, but I think this trip is just going to consist of both highs and lows so I might as well ride it while I can and hope that the next time I don’t sink as deep. As I got online to post a blog on Monday morning, I learned about Greg Oden’s injury as well as all of the other things troubling the Blazers lately. That was bad news. I also had a very brief little Skype conversation which I’m thinking I might have misinterpreted (I’m sorry!) but even though it was kind of depressing news, it got me thinking about some important things and ways that I should actually be living here. I need to start actually living here, I realized, instead of trying to be somewhere else or make this experience about someone else who really physically can’t be a part of this. I signed up to do this program on my own and as much as it has sucked learning that I don’t like being alone or hanging out by myself as much as I used to, I’m trying to get some of that back now because it’s more important to enjoy this experience and make the most of it. Moping or hating things isn’t going to improve anything at home or accomplish anything either. Not only that, but this should be the most amazing experience ever, not the worst. I knew it was an attitude issue but I’m also seeing now that I have to make changes in order to improve things, not just talk about it. I’ve been trying to stay busy and as a result, I spent most of my days out of my room (where previously I would just sit in sorrow and type up these things) from early in the morning to late in the evening. I’m finding ways to keep busy instead of just sitting on my own and that’s important.
Monday was still a little rough even though things were a little different. I went to lunch with my friend Elise who already knew that I had been having a shitty month and she had been too. She was also supposed to stay for the year but isn’t going to be anymore. That’s not to say that I’m not going to, but I’m still looking for other options. Anyway, Elise and I had a good lunch conversation together where we just sort of came clean about all of the things that had been bothering us all this time and it was good to hear someone else say the things I was thinking. I’m learning more and more that I’m not alone at all in going through these things or feeling the way I do. By the way, I appreciate the support from everyone after I wrote what I wrote. That helped too and I don’t recall ever hearing from that many people before. Even on my birthday… come on! This lunch conversation was a turning point though and we both were talking about how we knew what we had to do, change our attitudes, it just was much easier said than done. Just another reason why this whole week has been different than the others. I’ve recaptured that mindset that I came here with and have been remembering why I thought it would be so awesome to come here.
Dylan and I invited Elise and Kelly to come with us to Hill Park (the aforementioned restaurant on campus) after Andrey called us up Monday afternoon to join him and his friends for a drink. Even last night, I went there and saw only his friends there but some of the other girls in our program wound up there as well. It seems like only Dylan and I actually like these guys and don’t argue with them all of the time. They kind of are a boys club though, but I think it’s also because we’re trying to learn from them and hear what they have to say, rather than taking offense at everything they say we think is wrong and trying to correct them or teach them. I went to bed Monday night feeling a little bit better though.
Unfortunately, I do have to admit that I still wake up every morning feeling homesick and I’m sure that if we had internet in this dorm, I would be on my computer trying to skype with people or just creep them on facebook every morning. Maybe this is a blessing. I don’t know. I miss you all and sometimes I wish I could be in better contact but I’ve heard from a friend that if it’s easy to just sit online when you’re abroad, you can get trapped doing that. So it may be for the best even though it’s hard not having a choice in whether I can be in touch or not. Like I said, I signed up for this alone and it has to be my experience alone. I can’t make you be here. I woke up from the loud and heavy rain early Tuesday morning. When it rains here, it pours and it goes hard for maybe 15 minutes and then stops. I think we’ve either entered the short rainy season here or maybe it’s el nino which I’ve heard people talking about. It’s hard to tell because things are messed up and always changing with global warming. I woke up yesterday from the heavy rain as well as lightning and thunder. It was cool because the sun was rising so the clouds were slowly going from a bluish-purple to orange as I lay in bed watching and listening to this. The rain was so loud that I would have had to shout to be heard over it. Back to Tuesday though. I woke up again after the rain because I had another vivid dream. That’s probably another reason why I keep waking up homesick and even though I’m finding ways to enjoy myself here, I can’t help what my subconscious really desires.
Tuesday was another good day though; even better than the day before. I was feeling a little rejuvenated and more alive. I went to my classes and remembered that I wanted to come here to see how students’ and teachers’ perspectives and styles are different from at home so I actually paid attention to that. It’s actually really cool to learn about development from the perspective of the people who are being “developed”. It’s cool to have teachers that are old school Marxists from back in the day when this was a socialist country. Teachers at home only teach theory but they seem to hardly ever actually believe in any theory they teach unless it’s whatever the newest trend is. These guys teach only their perspective and defend it even if the students are challenging anything they say. It’s really interesting to see actually and I’m not bitter towards my classes like I used to be. It was just a good day where all of the things we talked about in each of my many classes all related to each other somehow and I was seeing the big picture. Outstanding. It’s days like that where I want to stay here forever. I remember that I came here and chose to stay for an extended period so that I could be settled and get used to things. That’s probably why when I decided it was time to have “the talk” with Ken, all I could tell him was that I was considering doing something else instead of a second term here. For weeks before this though, even as recently as the day before, I was confident that I would tell him that I absolutely wasn’t going to be continuing here but he just caught me at a good time I guess. As of this moment, I’m still hoping to get an internship instead for the second semester so that I won’t have to stay as long (the end of July is a long time from now) and because I’m tired of sticking around doing homework when I should be out seeing everything that there is here. It seems like just coming home to do Spring term at U of O is a worst case scenario thing right now but maybe I’ll just be ready to move on by the time that moment comes. It’s still too soon to tell but all I know is that I have until February 13th to withdraw without financial penalty (just reminds me that I’m going to be alone again on Valentine’s Day this year : ( ….) and that there could be serious visa implications. We’ll see.
Tuesday night had an event called the International Day of Solidarity with the Palestinian People that I went to (by myself, I might add). Although the event itself wasn’t that outstanding and was unfortunately just horribly Tanzanian, I still found out that the Ambassador of the State of Palestine is actually this older guy who I have a class with here. Hopefully I get a chance to talk to him again when we have class on Tuesday and find out some things that didn’t get addressed in that event. Regardless, I don’t think there’s ever been a more appropriate night to happen to be wearing my “THEY WERE HERE FIRST” t-shirt.
I returned back to the dorm that night with Dylan and we had a nice little chat on the roof while he did some slow shutter photos of the stars because all of the clouds were clear and the rain had pushed the smog down as well. He’s the only other guy in this program and even next term they’re expecting approximately 18 more people… all female. It’s already been a little hard for me because Dylan started dating this other girl in the program so I don’t have a brother that’s always there or someone that I can just always have guy talk with. He was thinking about getting out for the second semester as well in which case I almost definitely won’t be staying. As of right now, Ken’s working very hard to make adjustments to this program that will be starting as early as next term. In case you forgot, we are the first students to do this program through CIEE and it’s clearly experiencing growing pains. I’m sure that things are going to be much different when they start up again next year from how we had it and I’m not sure how I really feel about that. My timing in life has always been off though so I can’t say I’m really surprised.
Wednesday brought more heavy rain in the morning though it died down before we headed out. It was the 48th anniversary of Tanzania’s independence and my only two classes were rescheduled and cancelled. Dylan, Kelly, Elise, and I headed downtown for the day which I haven’t really done since we first took our tour of downtown long ago. My good mood from the day before was still spilling over so I was enjoying the trip from the second we got on the daladala. I don’t know if it was because it was technically a holiday or what, but downtown wasn’t particularly crowded and it made my day much less stressful. If you get a chance to just look around at everything when you’re downtown, it’s actually really cool. The city of Dar es Salaam is most certainly unlike any city in the U.S. and I really dug it. I could write up a lot more on it and I probably should but this post is already too long and it wouldn’t be easy to describe the real feeling of just experiencing the city center of Dar es Salaam.
I’d heard about some international students here who go to Mwenge, a little market area near campus, and teach English to some of the carvers and shopkeepers there. When I’d asked before over a month ago if I could go or they needed help, they said they already had enough people. However, when I asked Luca if I could just go and watch on Wednesday night, he told me that would be fine. He didn’t even end up going though because he has malaria (it’s not that bad, but he’s probably the last of the Europeans now to get it – they don’t do preventative meds). Also, his dad’s coming to visit for the next few weeks so they’ll be traveling so it looks like I’m going to be taking over his portion of the class. I’m sure I’ll have much more to say on this in the following weeks, but based off of my first impressions, it will be very enjoyable. I left there feeling very empowered and I think we’re working on a thing here on campus now coming soon where we’ll be helping improve the English speaking skills of other students.
Thursday and Friday were mostly uneventful (except that Ugandans through crazy parties on our roof) but I just tried to keep the ball rolling and stay on my toes, ya know? I want to enjoy myself here and I have been this last week. I’m definitely feeling better and I’m glad. I still miss everyone though and laying in bed by myself writing this means that I’m thinking about who all of this is being written too which doesn’t alleviate the homesickness by any standards. Still, I’ve been better at managing it lately and it seems like time has just been moving faster this last week. I mean, U of O is now on winter break. That’s crazy to me. Campus internet went down on Thursday morning write as I was hitting the send button on one of my emails. I doubt my advisors will be answering emails over the break as well so I’m kind of screwed here, I think. I hope we get internet up and running again here though because I really need to be taking care of business and finding out what I can be doing next semester.
Hopefully I’ll get this posted soon. Good luck, everyone.
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