a lot about nothing

*Just want to note that I got to walk past the monkeys on my way here and then scared off a pack of wild mongooses (mongeese?) to get my spot here with my computer and I'm still watching them now.  This place is wild.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

First off, Merry Christmas to everyone.  It definitely didn’t feel like it here, I have to admit though I guess it was still just an okay day.  Most of the foreign students are out of town for at least the weekend but I think the six from CIEE who left won’t get back until after new years.  Those of us stragglers have been hanging out and trying to keep busy.  It’s weird with no one here around campus – even my roommate’s gone.  I’ve been so busy lately with homework and all of these other essays I’m working on to try and get an internship or some scholarships that I really haven’t been able to type up anything for this blog.  I feel like there are some huge gaps in here over the last couple weeks and a lot is missing which I regret but I guess there’s not much I can really do about it.  I don’t really know what I intend to be doing or accomplishing right now in this blog, I just have some free time and am sitting alone in my room the day after Christmas so I gotta talk to someone or something I guess.  I have been planning on writing up a long post for the new year but I’m going to write that at a later date.  I have been coming up with resolutions as well as looking at my old ones and I have a good outlook for the upcoming year.  The reason I’m hesitating on starting it now is because I have plans to go to Arusha in northern Tanzania for New Year’s celebrations with some other CIEE people who will be there at the same time, then spending the next two days in Moshi before returning here for school again.  Traveling to Arusha is going to take something like 10 hours on a bus so that gives me wayyyyyyyyyy too much time to write up everything and think because I’m going to be heading there on my own without anyone to talk to.  We’ll see how this goes.

Ya know, I’m really trying here.  I’ve never been challenged like this before and the challenges are definitely coming in forms that I did not predict at all.  Just trying to do homework in the dorm has been a huge challenge because it’s always so noisy.  Actually, for that matter just trying to sleep here has been difficult and incredibly frustrating.  I can’t exactly go to the library to do work either though because I can’t bring a bag in there and I don’t think I’d be able to plug in my computer anyway.  It’s also disappointing to wake up every morning and find that the water isn’t running so I have to shower from a bucket and wait until later to do my laundry (out of the same bucket).  I think what I’m trying to say here is that I need a change of scenery.  I’m tired of being in school and in classes here.  I’m tired of dealing with all sorts of other things that are out of my control and having this have a negative impact on my education.  I want to be doing something else.  Even if it’s worse, I still welcome change at this point.  This isn’t to say that I’m not enjoying myself here but more that I didn’t really find my niche here and I want to take some action and create some change.  I’m sure there will be plenty of this in my New Year’s post so I’ll just change topics now.

One other reason that I’m heading out to Arusha for New Year’s is that the internship I’m trying very hard to get instead of doing a second semester here would have me located in Arusha so I want to see the town.  I don’t know if I talked about it before on here and I don’t know if I want to publish a lot of things on here talking about it because I don’t want to jinx anything at this point.  I’d just be very excited to get this and I think it’s a really good fit so I’m working to try and do what I can in order to get it all set up.  Pray for me, hope for me, do whatever you have to do.  I don’t want to place too much significance on this thing but I really think it could make a monumental difference in how I remember this experience and time in my life.  I haven’t heard a whole lot of good things about Arusha and it really sounds like it can’t even be compared with Stone Town on Zanzibar where some other internships are available which sounds like the coolest place I can think of in this country, but in terms of the actual work done by these different organizations, the choice is obvious for me.  Okay, I’m going to cut off this topic as well again because it’s just not the right time yet.  I just hope I go to Arusha, find it better than here at least and then get my application all worked out.

I had plans to head to the beach yesterday for Christmas because I’m assuming I’ll probably never been in a tropical coastal city on Christmas day again in my life.  I was pretty excited about the prospect of lounging under a palm tree in my Sheed jersey sipping on a pina colada for Christmas but come Christmas morning here, we were advised by several people not to try and go to the beach on that day because it gets really busy and there are security risks.  Bummer.  So that left three of us completely planless, but at least we weren’t alone.  I even had something to open on Christmas day as a matter of fact and I opened a holiday card from my step-sister as well as a small package from my dad with an awesome U of O Rose Bowl shirt and some candy.  I also got to hear from some family via phone throughout the day so it was well.  Laura, Jessy and I tried to just track down this sushi restaurant we had heard of instead of going to the beach.  In reality, the weather was not ideal for a day at the beach anyway as it was windy at times, gray, and it even rained briefly.  Still, we had to do something other than mope around the dorms (which we did do for a while).  It was pretty obvious that everyone was feeling a little lonely and depressed and none of us really felt like it was actually Christmas.  I guess it’s come to pass now and I probably won’t ever be in this situation again on Christmas, but I can honestly say I don’t feel like yesterday was Christmas at all or even close so I guess I just didn’t have one this year.  On top of that, the sushi restaurant didn’t even open yesterday so we ate at this little pub place that was alright just not Christmasy at all either.  I was able to buy some gifts though yesterday and if you’re on my nice list I’m trying to get you something that I can give you when I return.

I’m trying to make the most of this experience and it’s just very difficult to balance school work with all of the other opportunities that exist out there.  I do care about my grades and I don’t honestly understand how everything is graded here so I’m just trying to do as well as I can and see how it turns out.  I should have just taken a lot of random easy classes so that I could go out and get drunk every night but I will admit that I am learning some interesting things in my courses.  I just have been through this whole education tap dance for too many years now and I just know how it goes.  Just being real here, but I’m tired of being in school.  Sorry for writing that for the hundredth time but I’m feeling it for the hundredth time as well.  I’m not just in school because I need credit and a degree but because I actually want to learn some things that will inspire me.  That’s been the most disappointing thing about college for me.  I was really hoping it would be different than high school in that you don’t just look at the books to figure out what you need to know for the tests and the paper but instead the teachers cared more about blowing your minds than hearing you regurgitate crap from the book.  But hey, that’s “teaching”.  Discussions and seminars are the same way – just say what the TA wants you to say and talk enough so they know your name and you get an A.  Maybe it’s me that’s wrong in my approach but I honestly don’t feel like a lot of teachers really care enough about the subjects that the university makes them teach (and this goes for all schools I’ve been at so far and there also are many exceptions) to try and get the students emotionally invested and passionate about the topic.  I could have learned all of these things from the books and texts they are teaching from and they’re hardly giving their own position on things.  It’s a system.  Do what you have to do within the system in order to keep it operational and moving along.  Business as usual.  In the end, the machine pumps you out and you have a degree in your hand and then you go, apply a fraction of that knowledge and just be what you’re naturally inclined to be anyway.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten pretty good at critical thinking, logic, and all those sort of things by this point and those really are invaluable skills that matter outside of school.  This I appreciate, but the subject matter of courses just isn’t doing what it’s supposed to be doing.  I don’t think it’s too unfair for students to demand more, especially with the amount of money we’re paying (except in those European countries where there university is free).  We’ve come too far and worked to hard to just be put through the same song and dance only at a higher level.  We’re capable of some pretty amazing things and it’s being squandered by this system.  I know I can write a paper.  I know I can memorize the significance of certain things.  How the hell do you think I got here?  Let’s break some ground here and do something new.  Whatever.  It’s not going to change.  As long as people can get their degrees and move on then it’s cool.  I’m just as guilty as the rest of them, just currently fed up.

So this is what happens when I start writing a post with no ideas in mind.  This is actually more what I expected this blog to be like and kind of what it used to be like back when I was on summer break after my year at UBC.  Just a series of incoherent rants that don’t really go anywhere.  Oh the frustrations of a middle class white male.  Oh no, here comes the second rant about how I’m self-loathing for having such trivial complaints.  Hopefully not, but it’s true, especially being here, that my petty problems from home really don’t amount to the real concerns of people here… actually even for a lot of people in the U.S.  I don’t want to pass any judgment here, especially because most of the people who read this are of the same background as me and don’t like to feel guilty about the fact that our lives are different.  They’re just different, that’s all.  It’s not better or worse or anything, just different and I don’t want to judge anyone for that, so don’t let me.  We’re all victims of the circumstances in which we were born except for some of us we’re only victims in the sense that we aren’t victims.  I’ve been preaching this for years and I really need to stop because it hasn’t really gotten me anywhere, but I just don’t want to take it for granted that I am socially positioned well.  I hate that I find it hard to relate to people of a different socio-economic status and that I have no answers for why I was raised the way I was and they were the way they were.  It sucks to not have any answers and it’s really disempowering.  The saddest part though is just that such stupid things have a real impact in how we interact with each other as humans.  I don’t know.  I’m going to put this one to rest now too.

Well I hope you’ve enjoyed my ramblings or that you at least disagreed with a lot of what I’ve said.  These are the topics I really wonder about and grapple with, not so much the things I’m learning in class.  The things you can say to me in a discussion are more likely to have a lasting impact on the way I think than the things I learn in class, at least usually.  It’s just really surreal to be halfway across the world saying the same stupid things I’ve been saying for years but I guess I’m just spending too much time trying to perpetuate my lifestyle just in a new location.  I’m hoping this new year brings new opportunities and that I actually push myself to take action this time.  This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me and I want to do it right.  I haven’t been so far and I’m aware of that but I’m trying to correct this.  I miss you all though and I appreciate the season’s greetings I’ve been receiving.  It’s nice to be in your thoughts and prayers and I’d like to do something significant while I’m here so that I have an experience to take back home and share with you.  I want the impact of this experience to extend far beyond myself and I’m going to work towards something. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  Stay tuned for the upcoming post because I have high hopes for it.