Monday, January 25, 2010

Some Details


Here are just some details from a different thing I wrote up on Sunday

Sunday, January 24, 2010  2:10 PM

The news has been broken and now it’s official.  I’ve gotten that internship that I’ve been in pursuit of for what seems like an eternity.  I didn’t jinx it by sharing many details earlier but I guess now’s the time to spill what I’ve held back.  I’ll be heading to Arusha, Tanzania next term to intern for an organization called Elimu Community Light Children’s Unit (or ECOLICU as I’ll probably be referring to it from this point forward).  I got the internship through IE3 Global Internships which operates within the Oregon University System and allows college students from Oregon, Idaho, and Washington to do these international internships for up to 12 credits for a minimum of 10 weeks (I think) of working at the internship site.  I guess they went through this other organization called Visions in Action to set this specific internship up so you can check out their websites to learn more:
http://www.ecolicu-tz.org/
http://www.visionsinaction.org/
http://ie3global.ous.edu/

I’ve read every word on the ECOLICU website and I’m actually really excited to have this opportunity to work with them.  It sounds like they do some pretty ambitious things there that actually align with a lot of things I really believe in and support.  They’re working closely with vulnerable populations which is important and can make a big difference.  It’s definitely something I’ve considered going into before and may consider getting back into once I really start getting involved.  Just reading their descriptions of what they do, what their goals are, etc. really seems to line up a lot with what I want to do and I wrote this a lot in my application that I really can’t think of a more perfect fit for an internship for me.  I’ve got pretty high hopes and now that this has been officially confirmed, the next step has gotten a lot less mysterious.  I know these changes are going to come, but there are definitely still some unknowns.

I don’t know my living situation yet; whether it will be with a home stay or independently in an apartment or something else.  The Visions in Action website sounds like they do these sort of group living situations where they have a bunch of different international volunteers living together which would be pretty cool though I was kind of hoping for a Tanzanian home stay to try that experience.  I’ll adapt with whatever comes my way, that’s for sure and at this point and 10 weeks doesn’t seem nearly as long as it used to.  In fact it seems a little short, but I don’t even know for sure how long this thing will last or when the start/end dates are.  These are still being figured out but this will dictate what my inter-semester break looks like coming up here real soon as far as when I need to get started.  Additionally, I haven’t really even been told what type of work I’ll be doing with this group.  I tried to use my nonprofit minor to get me involved with some NGO or nonprofit here so maybe they want me to do that sort of stuff but I have no idea what my duties will entail.  As much as I look forward to finding out what this will be, it’s a little difficult to describe to people what I’m going to be doing when I don’t know what it is.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

"Dear Scott,

I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted for a spring term IE3 internship with Elimu Community Light in Arusha, Tanzania.  As the Africa Director for IE3, I’ll be your primary support as you prepare for and experience your internship.  There are a number of next steps that you should get started on soon...."

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Forgot to mention...

While in Zanzibar, during our last night when had finished dinner and were near to calling it a night, we decided to step out front and take one fateful look up.

The combination of being on an island removed from the city that has been without power for some time and is running on only generators, so not many lights around leads to the most amazing starry sky I've ever seen.  No moon in the sky either.

It was really a sight to see though I did have a lot of things on my mind that kind of made it hard to enjoy as much as I should have.  Still, amazing.

Too Busy 2 F

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 7:52 AM

Alright, let’s look at when was the last time I posted on here… wow. Okay, it’s been a while. I apologize for that. It’s a bit like Armageddon here right now (and not the movie… though I do keep remembering random Aerosmith songs…) and this has been the first chance I’ve had to exhale in a long time. Unfortunately it will also probably be the last time for another week or two because they really just keep piling it on. For example, I turned in my major paper for my DS 615 class yesterday after sitting through the two hours of lecture and then left to walk across campus for my last class of the day, an easy class where we just hang out and listen to this old guy talk for an hour. I could finally just relax… or so I thought. Turns out he decided to give us an unannounced quiz (worth 12.5% of our grade) which was horrible timing for a few reasons including that I was about to pass out from exhaustion, half of the class wasn’t even there, and the reason they weren’t there probably was because we just had another quiz worth just as much during the previous session last Thursday. No rest for the weary.

I wish I was done sharing all of my school woes with you but it’s just not so. On Monday, I found out I now have a test for one class this Saturday and then a paper for the same class due on the Thursday after. In total, I have something like three or four essays, at least two presentations, and a few tests ending Friday of next week. I’m not a special circumstance though and I’m sure the rest of the UDSM students have this happen to them every year when their teachers decide to wait until the last two weeks of the term to do everything. I’ll get everything done though. That much I know. The only problem now is that my rock n’ roll lifestyle has finally caught up to me and now I’m sick with some sort of cold and/or a fever. I’m not really worried about this either and it will come to pass if I can actually find some time to get rest but I realized yesterday that if I would have been sick like this earlier in the term when we were still kind of new here, I would have been freaked out. Sometimes I forget just where I am because I’m living so much in my own head, thinking about other things, and it just dawns on me again and again that this really is a third world country. I saw a lawnmower on campus yesterday – usually they just use machetes – and seeing it just about stopped me in my tracks. I’ve seen only one other lawnmower in this entire country but it was at this really nice beach resort place and even then it had about the same effect on me. This inspired me to write down some things when I got to class and sat down at a desk that I think I’ll type here now.

“I’ve been living in the third world too long…”
  •  it never used to be this fascinating to see a lawnmower
  •  I didn’t used to find it kind of entertaining to chase cockroaches around the hallway
  •  I was never impressed by a straight, paved road that didn’t have any potholes for about a mile before I came here
  •  I’ve stopped assuming that every little sickness or bug is life-threatening
  •  I’m too comfortable with people living and studying in buildings that look condemned/abandoned or that 8 people live in one dorm room (I have to get photos of this but a lot of things you have to see first hand to understand)
  •  I’ve forgotten what it’s like for things (like roads/buildings) to be maintained
  •  I no longer wonder how people can wear the same clothes everyday, dirtied so purely in a way that only that can do
  •  it is still fun, however, to see all of the donated shirts from the U.S. and Canada
  •  I’m too used to having to share a seat and desk in class
  •  I understand the perks of standing outside the window to listen to a lecture when the classroom is beyond standing room only
  •  I can’t remember what a classroom with all functional seats and desks looks like (Lillis will probably cause some culture shock)
  •  I’m hardly even inconvenienced (and never surprised) by power and water outages
  •  I’m starting to believe in the power of radio
  •  I can still count the number of warm showers I’ve had since I arrived on one hand
  •  New, nice, name brand electronics or appliances just look out of place
  •  I’ve started speaking broken, awkwardly phrased English because that’s how the people here speak it and understand it
  •  it is still funny though to see it in writing on posters and other public things
  •  I’m uncomfortable seeing white people

The list could go on; this is just where I stopped it at the time. I mean, it’s weird to talk to other foreign students here who go off to places like Nairobi, Addis Ababa, or even Bangkok and when I ask how it was, there answer is usually “it’s so developed compared to here”. I have been here for a while though, that’s true. Actually I wrote a while back how I was hoping to get on and type up a reflection sort of thing on my first 100 days here but I just got too busy. That day was marked last week I think on Wednesday. I couldn’t do any celebrating though because I had a test and a presentation for class the next day (I think I did fine on both, though) but it is a bit of a landmark thing. For one, I’m done with counting the days and the weeks now. The next time I start counting days or anything will be counting down instead. I’m also pretty sure that I surpassed my record for time spent out of country as well as away from home which I set at UBC a couple years ago. It was definitely different back then though and this has been a lot more challenging. Still, it feels good to have reached triple digits and it’ll be a lot better for me to stop anxiously and impatiently doing the math to calculate how long it’s been since we first got here. I was doing that for a while and it just made everything slow way down but even the last week has gone by so much faster since I stopped and I’m surprised it’s already the 20th of January.

Zanzibar - The Spice Islands

Since the last time I was able to do some blogging, I made it to Zanzibar. It was my first time ever going there and it was part of a CIEE trip that we took over the weekend. Instead of taking the ferry there which only takes about two hours and I hear is like a giant, floating daladala where they try to just cram a bunch of people onto it, we took the twenty minute flight in a 15-passenger plane instead. This was the first time I had been back to the airport since I first arrived so long ago and it brought back some memories of how things have changed since I first got here. The airport is a dump; that’s no lie. I used to think that a city of this size would have flights coming in and going out at all times and surely it must be a major destination but Dar es Salaam just isn’t like that. I wouldn’t be surprised if the airport by Kilimanjaro or the one in Zanzibar actually aren’t busier because they might get more tourist traffic than Dar gets business traffic. I can’t prove this though and that’s not what this story is about.

As our plane took off early in the calm Friday morning, we climbed steadily higher over the rusty tin roofs that make up just about every building in sight. For some reason, I sort of felt like I was leaving Dar for good as I realized what it’s going to be like to take off from here when all of my time here is done and I won’t lie, it actually made me kind of sad. I realized then and there that I’m actually going to miss this place and I’m just not ready to go yet. We’re at a strange time here because we’re so busy and I’m finally sort of feeling comfortable, getting into the swing of things but people are going to start leaving really soon. Our friend Kelly will be the first person from our program to go because she has to start school again in February to graduate this year and she’s only got about 10 days left. Time is flying with all of this work we have to do and soon, everyone’s going to be gone. (I’ve strayed from the story once again… sorry.)

The aerial view of Dar es Salaam was just fascinating though. It’s like going from being in a jungle and seeing only trees to stepping back and seeing the forest as a whole. You can’t help but wondering what’s going on at all of these different locations and how strange it is for you to be flying through the air 2000 feet above them and climbing. Then we reach the ocean and you can see all of the fishing boats are going out and the ferry that we would have been taking is putting along out at sea while the sun has only risen earlier in the hour. We touch down in Zanzibar outside of the main town and the view coming in does not reveal much. It doesn’t take long to realize that this place is most definitely geared towards tourism though and this was a sign of more things to come. We met our tour guide Jamal, boarded our bus and headed down the road towards the main town. It was easy to tell just from the architecture of the buildings and the way the roads went that the culture here is a little different, a little less hectic I would guess, than Dar. We saw communist style housing blocks, remnants of Tanzania’s experiment with two decades of socialism, stretching for what seemed like an eternity down both sides of this one street. It kind of reminded me of the projects, actually (well, okay, I’ve never actually been to the projects, but imagine if I had). Soon we were approaching the main part of the city and passed by the area we would later walk down, turning off onto another street towards breakfast at a small cafĂ©.

It’s important to note at this point that the entire island of Zanzibar has actually been without electricity for more than a month now I think. Apparently something broke in the connection between the island and the mainland and things just take forever to get done here. If you recall, it was essentially the same story when we were on safari and the town hadn’t had electricity for two weeks (and counting) because some part broke that they apparently had only one of and had to manufacture or get from another country. I don’t know how much of these stories I actually believe or who’s accountable or what but it seems like this sort of thing is always happening. The generator industry is thriving here, let’s say, though the diesel prices could climb and throw everything into chaos. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before or not, but in the food industries here, electricity is pretty much only used for cooling drinks and lighting the place while all of the actual cooking is done using charcoal or gas (from tanks, definitely not coming from pipes laid in the ground). This is just what happens when you can’t even rely on things like running water.

We ate our breakfast chapattis and chai, generators humming just outside and next we headed to a local school. It was actually really cool to get shown around a secondary school and go into their classrooms. It was a kind of cultural tourism and I don’t know if this is something they always do or just something special that Ken set up through our tour guide but it was just really nice to do something other than the typical white tourist stuff (that comes later). We got to talk with the students and then go stand in front of a class where we wound up singing our national anthems to each other (I’ve got video of this). I enjoyed it, if you couldn’t tell.

Next, or at least I think it came next, we got to wander the streets of old Stone Town. Zanzibar’s history is rich and the influences of the past are very present in this part of town. The Sultan of Oman chose to set up his empire on Zanzibar as he was using the island to grow various spices and also as a hub for trade, mainly of slaves. When the British colonizers took over, a large Arab population remained behind where they were the business and political elites. After the British left, they put these elites in charge but this didn’t last long as the much larger black population had a revolution (the 46th anniversary of this was Tuesday of last week [we got the day off!]) and then the land and homes were redistributed to the people. Downtown Stone Town is characterized by narrow streets and old buildings that are influenced by architecture from the Middle East and also India. UNESCO has deemed it a world heritage site so the buildings are not to be torn down and alterations have to occur under specific guidelines. They have very notable doors with these spiky metal pieces on them, an idea originating in India where they were intended to keep elephants from knocking down your front door as the spikes would pain their sensitive trunks if they tried to feel the doors. There is a difference between how the Hindus made their doors and also how the Muslims did but they are still somewhat similar. Today, Zanzibar’s population is 95% Muslim, mostly because of the Oman influence, though there are still Hindu temples and some different churches that are still around from the missionary era and colonial era. There are, of course, countless mosques all around the city as well.

Walking down the narrow streets, dodging bicycles and motorbikes as we see all of the cool stuff that surrounds us, you could see the story of this town quite clearly. It most definitely was once an area where only the most wealthy lived but after the revolution, the common people were given the rights to these extraordinarily lavish homes. They were just normal people though, which means poor people, so they weren’t able to maintain them and they have been decaying over the years. The tourism industry is changing that though and the ground floor of all of these buildings are now shops full of the most tourist-oriented items you can find in Tanzania. The city is becoming gentrified and if I return in 10 years, it will be nothing like it is now as more of the homes will probably be hotels or offices or something for the tourism industry. I won’t lie though and say that I wasn’t in awe the whole time. At this point in the day, following our scenic flight and walking these beautiful streets, I was taking so many photos that I was thinking I might reach my record from the safari. It was just a cool, cool place and hopefully I’ll get some photos up on facebook to show what I mean.

We did the rest of the touristy things after walking through the market which was arranged like any other market I’ve seen in Tanzania but all of the shops were trying to sell stuff to white people, not the locals. We saw the slave trading place and went in the dungeon there which was pretty horrendous. I think we forget too often just how awful that whole thing really is and it’s hard to believe people really did such bad things to other human beings. They built a giant Catholic church on the grounds there after they stopped the slave trade legally (apparently it was still happening in secret at a different point on the island). The church was pretty cool though and it still gets used every Sunday I’m quite sure. I asked Elise “Is this sacrilegious?” and started playing air guitar on the altar and she said “yes” so I stopped. Then we left the place to walk through this old fort they built and then went to the House of Wonders which is now a museum. After lunch, we got back on our bus to head across the island to where we would be staying in a town called Paje. The beachside hotel we stayed at was very nice, of course, though everyone spent most of their free time working on homework as we can’t spare a minute anymore at this point in the term.

We got a chance to do some more cultural tourism the next day when we went to a local coastal village where they grow seaweed. It was interesting see and nice to actually get walk through their village and see how they were farming the stuff as an entourage of children followed us around. It was also kind of depressing though because they’ve really only been growing it for the last ten or twenty years because they need to supplement their family’s income so it’s not like we were seeing some cool farming thing that had been around for generations. They get screwed too on the prices as it takes about six kilograms of the stuff when it’s dry just for them to make the equivalent of one USD. On top of that, the stuff eventually just gets exported to France, I think they said, to go into cosmetics and stuff like that. I don’t want to be judgmental; I just wish that we were able to see where our products really come from because we take our unnecessary luxuries for granted so much because the packaged product is so different from the initial phases. It was kind of surreal to have to leave this village so that we could go snorkeling too… it just made me feel too bourgeoisie. We walked down the beach to where we were renting our masks, snorkels, and fins from and walked past some Italian resort which was essentially an Italian Sandals: Zanzibar. That was a little strange too.

One side note I’d like to throw in now is something that I’ve written about often before when I talk about how I prefer to do the cultural tourism things more than the normal white person things. It sucks being a tourist no matter what, but at least we get to use our Swahili and talk to local people instead of remaining completely disconnected from the Tanzanian people. To many of us, it seems like Ken is trying to market this CIEE program as sort of a program you would sign up for so that you could see nice beaches. I don’t feel like that’s what any of us signed up to see in a country where the vast majority of people live on less than two dollars a day and I’ve struggled with this all the time that we really don’t have any feel for what it’s like to live in Dar es Salaam for a normal person. The only stuff we see is stuff that we do on our own and we really don’t have any assistance in finding these things, but that’s not what bothers me. What bothers me is that Ken tries to discourage us or tells us it’s a bad idea to actually go into the local neighborhoods or trust Tanzanians because it’s a safety issue. Well that’s just a reality of Tanzania and I would rather face reality than spend four months here without ever actually experiencing what life is like here. Now, back to Zanzibar.

Snorkeling, even in overcast weather, is a good way to sunburn your back. This was my first time ever snorkeling not in my neighbor’s pool and it actually was quite successful in the sense that I didn’t suck in a large quantity of water. We saw some cool fishes, had some close calls with some of them too, but it was pretty fun and I’m glad I did it. The guilt was there, don’t get me wrong, but if I’m going to be given the opportunity to do something for free (as in we already gave CIEE our life savings) you might as well enjoy it. The rest of the day was kind of the same as the day before, as in we relaxed and did some homework. Only difference is that we were finally able to get that elusive pina colada that has been just out of reach for about a month now.

Sunday, the last day of our brief trip, took us to a spice farm where we got to see, smell, and taste various fruits and spices. They had everything you can think of like star fruit, turmeric, vanilla, black pepper, and so on. They put on this little show for us at the end where this guy scaled a pretty tall coconut tree, sang some songs, and did some tricks (that guy’s not gonna live forever). I’ve got video of this so I’ll show you what I mean when I get back. We drove back to Stone Town where we were hoping to have more time to walk the streets independently before our flight but we were unfortunately behind schedule so we had to travel as a group. What this entails is Dylan and I sitting in various stoops while the girls shop in all of the touristy places that sell the same stuff as places in Dar, just at higher prices. I got some more good photos of the town though so I won’t complain. The flight back wasn’t as eventful as before, probably because everyone was too busy thinking about that looming pile of homework awaiting us back in the UDSM dorms. The brief flight was cancelled out by the traffic jam on the ground and we had arrived at last back to grind of the last two weeks of class.

Since this time, I’ve just been writing papers and doing all of these things. This next week-and-a-half won’t be easy for anyone but it’ll pass quickly. Hopefully I’ll have some more stories to share or something by the time I get a chance again. In the meantime, I gave you plenty to read and this ought to hold you over until next time.

Monday, January 11, 2010

I'm reminded of the joke...

that my brother used to tell:

"What did the blind, deaf, quadriplegic kid get for Christmas?"
"I don't know, what?"
"Cancer."

Sorry it's crude, but you know JJ...

So what did I get as a reward for turning in my research paper yesterday after having a test on Friday, a 20-25 graduate level paper due next Tuesday, and another test this Thursday? A presentation, 1 hour after my test on Thursday.

We finally have our Zanzibar trip scheduled for this weekend too, but it's ruined. RUINED!!!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

On the Path to Priesthood

Alright, out with it already. So I was delaying this because it just seems too soon but there’s definitely been a shift in the tone of my life and everything just since the last week and honesty has always mattered to me so I think it’s only fair that I tell it like it is. I’ve always thought with this blog that having you all know what happens/happened doesn’t change the fact that it happened only that you know. You can judge, shake your head, or maybe approve, I don’t know. I just hope that you learn something, even if it’s not what you wanted to know. Or maybe I hope you think about something. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe I just haven’t taken the time to think this through but I’m just going to keep doing my thing anyway and today it’s about what I realized last week:

We’re not in love anymore. I thought this would be strange and I thought this would be sad but I don’t really feel either of those things. In many ways I feel relieved and alive. In light of this realization, I’ve actually had a really good week and things have been going well. This is not at all what I expected but I’m just thinking much differently since I finally figured this out. It was something that I was trying to deny for a while and any time the thought crept into my mind that maybe all this shit is just what falling out of love feels like, I would banish that thought and dismiss it as crazy. Now that I’ve come to accept it and even embrace it, I’m seeing things much differently here and feeling new again. Here’s basically how it went down:

There was not some big drama or some tense standoff or anything. There was a little disappointment and some confusion. Then eventually there was some more thinking and some acceptance. What I learned is not so much that I’ve fallen out of love but rather that I no longer share that with another person. The difference is that the person that I love no longer exists and I’m quite sure that the person she loved no longer does either. People change. That’s what happens in life. It’s not always easy to recognize and in fact sometimes it takes some months and some weeks before it just becomes painfully obvious. Once I finally stopped dismissing my doubts, it was just so clear that it was actually just really nice to know something for once. All of the uncertainty just disappeared and the stress with it. Instead, I had an answer for the first time in a long time and even though it was the answer that I feared most for the longest time, it was closure in a sense and just something I could finally comprehend.

I’m not bitter. I’m not sad. I’m not even really disappointed. In fact, I’m quite happy and feeling fresh. I’m looking back on things and seeing them much differently than before. Not that they were bad because they were great. I’m so glad it happened. I have no negative feelings towards that era at all and in many ways it was my favorite time in my life. I’m so glad that it happened and it kind of sucks that it’s over but like I said about 2009, it wouldn’t be easy if there wasn’t so much to look forward to.

I enjoy being here and I’m not trying to escape. Going home isn’t going to solve my problems. I’ve been living in a place that I always dreamed of going to but for too long I was only dreaming of leaving. Now I’ve woken up and I see where I am and know what I’m doing. The challenges are fun and exciting. Life is good. I’d like to stay here for some time to come and I’m doing what I can to make that happen. It’s just thrilling to be in this place in my life, especially considering the circumstances of what just happened, and not only being happy, but also confident and glad that things are going the way that they’re going. I’m not saying that I’m over everything because that’s not true at all. It’s easy to write all of this when I’m not actually in the same setting at all that I was when I was in the relationship. Still, I’m just happy to not have any grudges or be bitter. Maybe I’ve just grown up a bit. I don’t know. There are actually a lot of things I don’t know, like her side of all of this. I mean, these are all things I’ve been thinking about on my own and dealing with but this tie has been cut so all I really have been considering anymore is myself.

The best news about all of this is that in experiencing tough times with someone else, I realize more and more how important and awesome my friends and family are. You guys have always been there and I don’t know why it’s always so surprising to find that you are still there even after I’ve gone off somewhere else without you for a while. I really appreciate that and I think that’s what makes all of you so special. That’s part of that New Year’s resolution I made to be a better friend because I’ve gotten nothing but love from most of you guys and I think I can do better in showing it back. I’ll apologize if I have to, but I think you can tell by reading this that you know I am trying harder and trying to better than the past so I hope you appreciate that. This brings me to my next subject though and potentially explains the title.

I’m done with relationships. They’re just not for me. I have been trying to think about whom I have dated or kissed or anything in my life that I still am in contact with and am friends with really and it’s not looking too good. Actually, if you charted it out based on my current good friends, the trend would be alarmingly in favor of me never being romantically involved with people in order to determine the success rate of our relationship as friends. I’ve been fortunate too in that most of my relationships, with one exception I can think of, have ended well and usually on good terms. Still, it is weird to go from being good friends, best friends really or so I always thought (probably was wrong though), to hardly even friends after it’s over. That’s really uncool and it seems like that tends to happen a lot more with relationships than with just normal friendships. I’d much rather have a Jerry and Elaine thing going on with a lot of people I used to date because at least that would tell me that there was something more to our relationship that shows we’re still good friends even if we didn’t work out as a couple. Maybe I just make a better friend than a boyfriend. I’m willing to accept this as an answer.

I’m not saying that women are the devil, don’t get me wrong there. All I’m saying is that I want friends, not girlfriends. It’s fun and all, but I can sustain a friendship much easier and much longer than a relationship. I have friends who are girls and we’ve never dated… maybe that’s why we’re still friends. Isn’t it crap though that you’re not even allowed to be friends with people of the opposite sex when they’re dating someone else though because of jealousy issues? This seems wrong to me. All I know is that they’re still there for me and I’m still there for them which is something I can say of very few women from my past. Maybe I’m wrong about all of this and all of these girls have been waiting for me to contact them for some time. I don’t know. If that’s the case, then I feel kind of bad. I just know that I’m tired of getting into trouble and starting drama. The flirty games and everything are fun, but I’m finding that the friends I have just cannot be topped and I’m glad to have them. As far as I can tell, I’ve got much more to show from my friendships than from my relationships and that’s what I’m going off of.

I feel kind of like I’m in high school again where I’ve got all of these crazy theories that I’m going to use to dictate my life even though I can’t really explain them or justify them that well. Principles for the sake of having principles. It was fun and I don’t know if I didn’t really accomplish anything, but I graduated without ever drinking… so that means something right? I tried to explain my reasoning on this one but maybe it’s all crap. I don’t care. I don’t know if it will work either. I mean, circumstances can determine a lot and it’s really easy to be all intellectual and philosophical about things when you’re sitting alone in your room on your computer instead of sharing drinks with some PYT. I don’t know how long this will last, maybe I can make it a 2010 thing? All I know is that that whole hooking up thing and being young and dating stuff is for the birds. Enjoy the games. It’s fun, I’ve been there and I’ve seen it, but it’s not for me.

I’ve got friends and they’re great. If you want to be my friend, then that’s awesome. But if you are interested in something else, you’re barking up the wrong tree. It ain’t me, babe. I’ll call you when I’m the pope. Take care.

So here are some songs to take you out. Just the soundtrack I’ve had for the last week or so:
Alexi Murdoch – Orange Sky
Bob Dylan – My Back Pages and All I Really Want to Do
Beirut – Scenic World
Defiance, Ohio - Lullabies
And why not Rod Stewart – Maggie May


(EDIT: Okay. Everything is subject to change, of course. You all should know by now from reading this that nothing is ever is clear or simple as it seems. I’ve been going back and forth on everything for the last few months and you can use any metaphor you want to describe this. I can’t deny that there are days where I’m riding that emotional high and I think I’ve finally got everything figured out. Likewise, there are the other days where I feel like I’ve taken two steps back and just haven’t accomplished anything that I thought I had yesterday. I wish I could say all of these struggles and difficulties have been working towards something and often I feel like they are. I do feel sometimes like I’ve grown and I’m learning but once those days pass, I end up back on just those lows that make all the good days seem fake.

I can write all of these things and as much as I’d like to believe them, I know that they are going to be tested and that I don’t know how easy it will be to sustain this feeling. I know I’m not over everything… not even close. I won’t lie and pretend like this hasn’t been horrible to go through and to do it when I’m here of all places, where I’m supposed to be doing something I’ve worked towards for years, has been awful and ruined a lot of this experience for me. I’m trying to salvage everything here, but I can’t act like I don’t miss the way things were. I’m trying to overcome the emotional with the mental and it’s been a fight back and forth since the very beginning. I think the most important thing is that all I’ve ever wanted was to do things right. Even if it’s not best for me, I just wanted to do things the right way because any other way just makes things worse. Of course I know that there is no right way and a wrong way, only the way that things do go. I just can’t help looking back and seeing all of the stupid mistakes and wondering just how much damage I’ve caused. I really don’t know what comes next, whether it’s bad or better. There’s a lot of unknowns and my worst fear has already been realized so I don’t know what that means.

I don’t know if I’m a deeply disturbed headcase or what but going through this on my own has been a struggle. As nice as you all are and would like to be there for me, there are pretty big barriers preventing that from happening. Even trying to generally creates more stress and problems than there were before you even tried. I know that this is something I have to go through myself and this blog is actually really just a way to alleviate that a bit. I don’t know if it makes it worse or better, but at least I’ll be able to read through these one day and see just what happened… I’m sure I’ll learn something from that. I’m not crying for help right now either. I know what I have to do and I know how I’ve got to do it. All this post was [not the edit part I’m writing now, but the main part] was just a new philosophy I’m trying to implement so that I can’t keep moving on in life without screwing more things up in the process. I don’t know how it’s all going to work out and I know that I want to do things right, it’s just hard to see how that is so in the meantime, I just want to minimize those errors until I make it to a point where I can actually figure things out.

I’ve accepted the fact that just putting all of the same characters back together in the same setting doesn’t mean that the same play will take place as much as I’d like to believe that’s true. Life is changing, the world is turning, people are walking on different paths. I miss the way things were, but maybe that’s just for today. I’ll just try never to forget the words of wisdom “Don’t be sad that it’s over. Be glad that it happened.”)

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I can't believe I grew up in a town called "Happy Valley"

Shameful. Just obscene, really.

Dad, how do you tell your friends from college, high school, or anywhere really that you live there? Seriously...

Surprised!! ...again!

Friday, January 08, 2010 11:51 PM

Yeah, that’s right. I’m in on a Friday night, but do you know what? I’m actually just having an outstanding Friday night. If you looked at this week from Monday or even from Wednesday, you would have expected that things would be much different. I got back on Sunday from Moshi and not only had a paper due on Tuesday, but at least one more test on Thursday. Not only that, I was just disappointed with the lot that I came back to. I kept thinking “at least we’ll be gone to Zanzibar on the weekend… I have something to look forward to,” but even that changed. On Sunday I learn that my paper isn’t due until a week later. On Monday, I learn that we’re not actually going to Zanzibar until the weekend after, but that’s cool because I’ve got my paper due on Monday now anyway so I have the weekend to work on it here (and the weather was awful today anyway for going to an island known for its beaches.) I think it was Monday afternoon or maybe it was Tuesday now that I look back at the last blog that I typed up that I realize something else that really should be devastating me right now but for some reason isn’t. I’m not sure that I’m ready to share on that but I will eventually. It’s something that I’m still trying to figure out really and I do like to post the whole thought process on here so that it’s clear to me and to you how change is going on in my mind and in my mind but it’s just too soon right now. I think you’ll be able to tell that there’s been some change though and I’ll probably talk about it later so don’t fret.

Tuesday I also found out that my major paper for my DS 615 (Gender and Socioeconomic Development… yeah it’s a grad course… I don’t know what I was thinking…) is actually due one week from that day. Not only that, but it’s supposed to be like 20-25 pages which seems impossible at this university because it has the worst system for researching you can imagine. At this point I started to feel a little dizzy and it was all just a little much. I was supposed to have maybe 30 pages to write by next Tuesday as well as two tests (I found out about another one on Monday) to do on Thursday and Friday of the current week which would prevent me from even starting those papers for a little bit of time. I was lucky that it was too much to handle and I passed the panic mode going straight into resignation to the impossibility of it all. Wednesday, I study and Thursday comes test time #1. The teacher shows up almost 15 minutes late, says the test will be next Thursday; we all laugh thinking it’s a joke; he starts lecturing about conflicts in Africa. I had to just laugh about this because where else does this kind of thing happen. I was peeved because I was actually prepared and I did so at the expense of being well-prepared for my huge Swahili in-class essay the next day but I’m trying not to complain this year so I just had to shake my head and keep on trucking.

One notable while we’re on the topic of New Year’s resolutions is that I have made progress on one of them. My friend Elise here actually told me that I am a good friend on Wednesday… (I’m only getting better.)

Thursday comes and we have our DS 615 discussion hour where we find out that apparently it’s just standard practice to hand out a paper with the topics on it here and then the students just know that they have two weeks to write 20+ pages about one of them. No big, right? Fortunately they extended it another week so I have one more week to stress about this thing and hopefully turn in something decent. I’ll be honest, I can’t recall the last time I had to write a paper this long.

Friday morning is our Kiswahili assignment. I think it’s like 30% of our grade which is pretty major, especially when you were as unprepared as I was. I’ve been so confused about how all of the grading is here and the different expectations that my goal really is just to pass. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s true. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to try as hard as I can, but this is just incredibly challenging and I’ll be satisfied so long as I get a D or above in all my classes. I got a little lucky in the way that the topic was drawn in our class though and I wrote what probably wasn’t enough, but was plenty of space to embarrass myself. Whatever. It’s over and done. Dylan and I went to get a beer just to put a cap on the week. It was necessary. It was only one. I won’t tell you what time of the day it was.

I’m just happy right now because I’m actually getting things done around here and I’m able to appreciate the little things like I should have been this whole time. Maybe I’ve just been too distracted but I think a lot of those are gone now. It doesn’t seem like everything’s going my way right now and usually I might not feel great about a lot of these things, but I am just in a good place and I’m very happy about the things that are going well. I appreciate that we can cram six people into one cab so long as we’re willing to pay him more for risking the potential police trouble. I appreciate that even after that, the 45 minute ride that was mostly just a traffic jam still only cost us about $15 USD that was split between the six of us. I like that I’m living in a country where they drive on the left side of the road. I don’t know why I haven’t been more fascinated by that yet but it’s actually just really cool to be here right now. I want to stay for a long time.

On that note, I also have to say that I like that now that I’ve finally got my internship application filled out, scanned and ready to email back home, it was completely awesome to open my email and see that I have an email from the guy who’s trying to set me up saying that he has the green light from the organization. They are ready and willing to have an intern with them in spring term so all that has to happen now is that all of my application things clear. I think I may have found myself some more time to stay here. I feel very fortunate to have such luck here (though this isn’t sealed yet) and different opportunities. I’ve made my mistakes with this program and it’s too bad to have to cut my losses and leave but I think it’s only prepared me more for this internship where I will not falter like I did before. I don’t want to write too much about this because I still have about two weeks before I’ll know if I get it or not, but if I get this second-chance then I can guarantee that I will make the most of it.

I’m incredibly busy lately and I’m surprised I was able to type this out tonight. Sorry it’s so scatterbrained but I just feel like there are some things I’d like to get out there while they’re still fresh and share some good news on here for once. I’m still moving, now more than ever. I don’t always know what I’m doing, but I know that I am doing something. It looks like things are starting to fall into place right now and it’s about damn time. I’ve worked too hard and I’m ready for things to start going right. Even now when it seems like a lot things are not how I would have wanted them to be one week ago, I can’t deny that I feel happy and just in a better state mentally than before.

Cheers.

(EDIT: I forgot to mention that while I was in on a Friday night, I actually knocked out two pages of one of my papers which will probably rank as one of my most productive Friday nights ever, academically speaking. I also realized last night that John Lennon is my favorite sociologist. Also, I realized that lately my blog has been mostly just a collection of random things that I just start writing instead of actual thought-out stories or something and I’m not totally sure why this is but I hope it’s alright.)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The World Is Turning, Always Turning

5 January 2010 8:56 PM

Boy oh boy I’ve realized a lot of things since I first got here. Unfortunately I’ve forgotten so many things too and had to relearn them all over again. I wish I could say I was through with that but I know it’s going to keep happening. At least now that I’m at the top looking back I can see how I’ve been here too many times before. Right there where I finally have so many things figured out until I wake up again tomorrow, fresh again and embarking on another day repeating the same mistakes. I have to just write these things down on a sheet of paper and pin it to my wall, I swear. It wouldn’t even be a big piece of paper because even if it feels like I’m learning it for the first time, if I think about it I realize I’ve been here before.

Things change. Life changes. People change. It’s not sad. It’s a fact. I do it. You do it. We all do it. Sometimes it’s not fun. Sometimes it’s not pretty. It’s still just something that happens and you can choose to lament over it or you can just enjoy that such a moment ever existed even though it’s gone now.

Life is a beautiful, cruel thing. Sometimes it takes you to the top and sometimes it seems like it’s dropped you to the bottom even if you feel fine. It’s weird to just have everything happening at once and have that happen all the time, everyday, but I’m dealing with it. It’s been three months as of today. That’s a quarter of a year. Next week will mark 100 days since my plane first touched down here all that time ago. I’ll hopefully get a chance to write on that later. I wish I had more time to reflect on things now but I have a test on Thursday, an in-class essay on Friday, a research paper on Monday, and another 18-25 page research paper on Tuesday. School never minds if you have other things you’d like to be thinking about.

I’m finally feeling like my Kiswahili is improving and I started my first hour of private tutoring today which went well and I also had a few conversations with random people in only Swahili. I’m getting more comfortable with where I am than when I first arrived which is why I originally wanted to stay for the year – I don’t want to leave right when I’m getting adjusted and comfortable. I gotta move on though.

I hope to get back on here soon, maybe celebrate something for 100 days next week. Just know that I’m thinking of all of you and I really appreciate having you in my lives. You’ve been a tremendous source of strength for me even in the darkest times of this journey. I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m having a hard time right now by the way. Class is overwhelming and I’m processing some other things but oddly enough I feel fine. The world is turning all the time and I’m just tired of fighting it so it’s time to just turn with it for a while.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

New Decade. New Me.

December 31st, 2009

I’m on a bus approximately 20 minutes out of Chalinze heading north en route to Arusha.  We’re riding Scandanavia Line which I’ve been told isn’t what it used to be though it seems mighty fine to me and Laura.  This thing has more white people on it than I’ve seen in a while.  “How’s the bus” rings a new text from Ashley.  So far, so good.  We didn’t leave until maybe an hour after we were supposed to and we first got on, the same damn Celine Dion song wouldn’t stop playing.  I thought it was coming from the bus speakers so I continued to trash talk it and make bad jokes/vows to lose it if it keeps playing (my dad’s ‘American Woman’ story comes to mind.)  Laura had the decency to refrain from telling me that it was the woman next to us’s cell phone that was actually playing the song… not the bus driver who couldn’t hear me saying all of this.  She had to have heard me trash talking that whole time… oops.  Either way, the music stopped and we got on our way.  Still, when the driver’s assistant (kind of acting like a flight attendant) put a cassette in the tape deck, I prayed it wasn’t Celine Dion.  (Have I mentioned yet on this blog how her music is really popular here for some reason?  Especially with the dudes and you can hear them playing it when you walk by their rooms.  I’m just a little tired of it/never was a fan in the first place.)  Now they’re playing “Baby’s Day Out” which I remember watching when it was kind of new back around 1995.  It’s the one where the 3 guys steal the baby for ransom and it keeps getting away from them.  Anyways, enough about now.  Now is not the time for now.  We’ll get to now later.  This post is about reflecting back on the past year, evaluating the present, and then looking forward into the future.

THE YEAR IN REVIEW
Let’s start with where I was one year ago this time.  Pretending there’s no time difference, on this day last year I was newly bald again, sitting/half-standing in a UPS truck disappointed to be spending my New Year’s Eve this way – tromping around in the snow for 13 hours a day after they told me our seasonal jobs would be finished.  I got home to more disappointment – no invites to anything for that night.  I ate dinner, brushed my teeth and tried just to get to sleep before midnight.  Depressed, alone, disappointed in myself and my friends, I vowed to make the next New Year’s Eve better than the last.

So that was how 2009 began for me.  I wish I could say that was the worst New Year’s Eve ever for me, but if you look back maybe one or two posts prior to this one, you can imagine that this has historically been a very difficult season in my life.  I woke up the next day feeling slightly better and satisfied with my new resolutions.  Of course, nobody ever really succeeds in their resolutions and I’m no different, but these ones were alright and pretty manageable.  I typed them onto my sticky note application on my sidebar so that I would see them everyday.  Three simple goals.  One was to get an exercise routine – something pretty common.  This sort of happened during spring term and I sometimes managed to go to the rec center in winter, but it never really lasted and I never got fully into something I would call a routine.  My next resolution was to play more music.  I was getting a concertina soon so I would learn that and I had aspirations to start a tree band though this never fully came to fruition (does this count as a pun?)  I did play music throughout the year before I came here but I never quite got it to the extent I had envisioned.  Last, I wanted to be a lucid dreamer.  This… well this one just flat out didn’t happen.  It was formed under the circumstances of my weather imprisonment during that winter break where we were snowed in for almost the entire break so I had nothing better to do.  I was pretty close then, but never really got into it after I got back down to Eugene.  So to conclude this part, I failed on my three resolutions.  Does it doom something to fail if you make it into a resolution?  Who knows.  All I know is that this didn’t prevent me from having a good year.

January through February was mostly characterized by homework and mooching dorm food off of my sister.  I was aware about this study abroad program I am doing now and hadn’t yet started the application though I knew it was coming up soon.  There was one very notable exception to this time period though… a break in the monotony.  One January night, I unexpectedly met someone who changed everything.  That topic’s going to get it’s own segment later though so I’ll move on.  I made it up to Vancouver two times in 2009 – once during spring break, the second time in September – both times outstanding.  Spring was mostly about the growth of a relationship more than anything else and then summer started with a road trip down to California.  The rest of my summer basically boils down to 3 things: not being able to find a job, comfort in the relationship, and Harry Potter.  Of course, this period ended when I came here and you’ve been able to ready everything else since then so it doesn’t need to be addressed here.

That’s a pretty condensed summary of what happened in the last year and I’m sure I’m leaving out even more than I intended but this bus ride, baby movie, and everything else that’s been on my mind lately is just making this very difficult to write right now.  I think I’ll just try to be brief for once and only really go into one topic before I move on.

ON LOVE
Falling love for the first time was not only quite the experience, but it also changed the way I perceive, think about and do a lot of things since it first started happening.  If I’m being honest, it still is changing a lot of things for me everyday.  Some days are just completely awesome and I couldn’t be happier.  Other days are just the complete opposite where everything just sucks and I’m sad and it seems like I was just wrong about everything I believe.  Ya know, I think about this a lot… all the time.  It doesn’t seem to take much to throw this balance one way or the other though and I can go from having complete confidence to none at all because sometimes you just hear the complete opposite things you want or hoped to hear.  It’s clear there’s a difference in values here and I’m really trying to grow up and be mature about these things.  I think that I am too, but it’s just that there are so many ways to see things and just so many things to consider.  What differences are manageable and which ones can’t be reconciled?  Why are some things even problems to begin with?  That’s what I’m trying to work on right now.  Some things just bug me and I’m trying to understand why that is as well as if it can change.  Still, I wonder why it’s gotta be me who changes and I’m often feeling alone in even perceiving problems.  It’s a rollercoaster.  It’s a merry-go-round.  Some days I just want off.  I wish I didn’t think about these things so much and I wish I just knew how it all turns out in the end.  It’s just really difficult because I’m trying to be as honest and real as I’ve ever been with someone else and that involves making myself incredibly vulnerable.  There’s so much trust involved and it’s really hard when the person you care for most is the one who can hurt you the most and the easiest.  I’m still young and this is my first time around doing this so if anyone’s got some wisdom on this topic, I’d be more than glad to hear it.  I may just be having a bad day or something [edit January 3: I’m typing this up now and I realize it’s more a product of certain circumstances than an objective review of the topic I wanted to write about, but I’m still keeping it in this post] so don’t take these words as definite, but I just wonder if someone on the outside knows something I don’t and can tell me if it’s really just all wrong.

ON MATURITY
Maturity has always been a confusing topic for me as I continue to get older.  Age moves linearly, maturity does not.  That’s what I’ve come to realize even though I feel like we grow up being told that they go hand-in-hand.  I’ve got incredibly more mature in many respects in the past year; especially so since I came here.  But in other ways I feel I’ve actually gotten less mature.  I miss a lot of the playfulness with my friends at home and I don’t think I smile nearly as much now as I used to.  Sometimes Dar just seems like a serious city and you gotta do what you gotta do to survive.  It should be painfully obvious by now if you’ve read any of my other blog posts before that I’m in the middle of about 50 different processes that are occurring right now in my world and my mind.  I’m thinking a lot more in these past weeks though than earlier in this journey and I feel like I’ve got a better grasp on things than before.  My old thoughts are coming in again and I’m seeing the big picture more clearly.  There’s been growth and it’s still going on (it always will) but I think we’ve arrived at the present now and it’s time to share my resolutions.

ONWARD INTO 2010
I’ve got high expectations for 2010, I will admit.  They’re probably higher than they’ve ever been before and I think it’s because I’m very driven right now and also that I’ve never been in this position before either.  I’m in Tanzania.  I want to make the most of this and make it everything it can be.  That’s why my first resolution is to learn Kiswahili better than I have been.  I’m not getting what I want or I came here to get through this program.  That’s why it’s time to make changes.  That’s why I’m trying very hard to get that internship.  My Swahili class isn’t teaching me anything so this other girl from that class and I are going rogue (sorry for the Palin reference) and we’ve arranged our own private tutor sessions 2 times per week.

[at this point, our bus is in Segera and I’ve kind of been writing for two very distracted, bumpy hours]

The rest of my resolutions are almost all about trying to be a better person.  I’ve always believed in the philosophy that if I can do better, then I should be doing better.  I don’t mind failure so long as I tried.  But to lose when I know exactly how I could have tried harder and done better just leads to disappointment or regret and that’s what I want the least.  I’ve had a lot of shortcomings in the past and I admit responsibility for these.  Now is the time to leave those things in the past and put into practice what I preach.  2010 will be a new year and I’ve never planned on making the most of a fresh start like this as I am now.  So, for this next year I am resolving to do the following things in order to become a better man:
- Be more patient
- Be less opinionated and judgmental (or at least save these for the right time and place)
- Give more
- Get more involved – actually do something!
- Be a better friend – be more supportive
- Stop complaining entirely (ambitious)
I really just want to regulate myself better and try to do more than I have been.  I feel like people used to have such high expectations for me and everyday seemed like it was building towards something bigger and better, but these last few years I’ve strayed from that.  It’s like when Siddhartha left the ascetics and just lived for worldly pleasures for a while.  It’s been fun and I’ve enjoyed it, no doubt about that, but I think I can do better than this and it’s time to move on and move forward.  I want my life to be a progression towards something better.  If someone compliments me, I want to be able to say “…and I’m only getting better” in response.  There’s more to this life and there’s more to come yet.  I want this to be a turning point.  There’s never been a better time than now.  This is my year.


I’ve got an ideal plan for how this whole next phase works out and I really hope it all goes to plan or at least that I’m able to stay on my feet, adjust to changes and milk this experience for all it’s worth.  I’m dropping this program at the semester.  That much I know.  I’ve got a million reasons but what’s most important is that I’m not getting what I need from this program and that’s just too much time and money to commit to something that isn’t how I need it to be.  After exams in February, I’ll travel for a while and then, if everything works out, I’ll start my internship in Arusha.  That will run for about 10-12 weeks or so and then I’ll finish up around mid-May or June.  Then my dad can come and we’ll travel together for a while.  Maybe I’ll trek around Europe for a while after that if the funds still exist before I come home.  I haven’t planned anything after that and it would probably be pointless to plan too much for that far in advance, but you know me and know I’m always thinking a few years in advance.  Maybe just drinking beers and playing music is in order.  That would be nice.  All I have right now is the dream and I’ll do what I can to make it happen.  It would be ideal if it happens this way (I guess it would be ideal if it happens any way) but I’ll be honest and admit that I probably won’t get so lucky to have everything work out perfectly.  Still, nothing’s going to stop me from trying my hardest to do the best I can…

… man… I just want to be a better person…

Well 2009, it’s time to say goodbye.  It wouldn’t be so easy if there wasn’t so much I have to look forward to.  You took care of me and showed me so many new things.  I’ll never forget you for this and you’ll always have a special place in my heart…
But 2010 is my year.

Scott
XOXO

Back to the Grind

Well I'm back from my jaunt over to Arusha and Moshi to celebrate the New Year and it was a good trip.  I got some good quality time to think things through and put things into perspective during the long bus rides.  There's a poorly scribbled blog post in my journal waiting to be typed up write now if I can decipher it - the bus ride was very bumpy.  All in all though, I'm glad I went and I don't mind the hole burnt in my pocket too much. 

Laura and I met up with our friends in Arusha later than expected and wound up at a wedding party shortly after.  It was fun and one of those moments where I have to ask myself "how do I keep ending up in the most random places?" which was cute until 12 pm kept creeping closer.  We ended up watching fireworks go off from the car on the way to the club sadly - another sober New Year's Eve - but we didn't let that dampen our night in the least.  In fact, I wound up dancing with a 17-year-old at one point in honor of Casey Clapp.  It was just too funny to meet a Tanzanian girl at a club or bar who introduces herself by saying "I'm not a prostitute."  Unlike Casey though, I drew the line at dancing and let the night be the night... that girl's going to get herself into trouble though.

Asses still sore from the 10 hours on a bus the day before, it was another 1.5 hours in an even more cramped/sketchy bus back to Moshi.


OKAY I'll finish this later, mosquitoes are eating me alive.  Not worth it.