On the Path to Priesthood

Alright, out with it already. So I was delaying this because it just seems too soon but there’s definitely been a shift in the tone of my life and everything just since the last week and honesty has always mattered to me so I think it’s only fair that I tell it like it is. I’ve always thought with this blog that having you all know what happens/happened doesn’t change the fact that it happened only that you know. You can judge, shake your head, or maybe approve, I don’t know. I just hope that you learn something, even if it’s not what you wanted to know. Or maybe I hope you think about something. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe I just haven’t taken the time to think this through but I’m just going to keep doing my thing anyway and today it’s about what I realized last week:

We’re not in love anymore. I thought this would be strange and I thought this would be sad but I don’t really feel either of those things. In many ways I feel relieved and alive. In light of this realization, I’ve actually had a really good week and things have been going well. This is not at all what I expected but I’m just thinking much differently since I finally figured this out. It was something that I was trying to deny for a while and any time the thought crept into my mind that maybe all this shit is just what falling out of love feels like, I would banish that thought and dismiss it as crazy. Now that I’ve come to accept it and even embrace it, I’m seeing things much differently here and feeling new again. Here’s basically how it went down:

There was not some big drama or some tense standoff or anything. There was a little disappointment and some confusion. Then eventually there was some more thinking and some acceptance. What I learned is not so much that I’ve fallen out of love but rather that I no longer share that with another person. The difference is that the person that I love no longer exists and I’m quite sure that the person she loved no longer does either. People change. That’s what happens in life. It’s not always easy to recognize and in fact sometimes it takes some months and some weeks before it just becomes painfully obvious. Once I finally stopped dismissing my doubts, it was just so clear that it was actually just really nice to know something for once. All of the uncertainty just disappeared and the stress with it. Instead, I had an answer for the first time in a long time and even though it was the answer that I feared most for the longest time, it was closure in a sense and just something I could finally comprehend.

I’m not bitter. I’m not sad. I’m not even really disappointed. In fact, I’m quite happy and feeling fresh. I’m looking back on things and seeing them much differently than before. Not that they were bad because they were great. I’m so glad it happened. I have no negative feelings towards that era at all and in many ways it was my favorite time in my life. I’m so glad that it happened and it kind of sucks that it’s over but like I said about 2009, it wouldn’t be easy if there wasn’t so much to look forward to.

I enjoy being here and I’m not trying to escape. Going home isn’t going to solve my problems. I’ve been living in a place that I always dreamed of going to but for too long I was only dreaming of leaving. Now I’ve woken up and I see where I am and know what I’m doing. The challenges are fun and exciting. Life is good. I’d like to stay here for some time to come and I’m doing what I can to make that happen. It’s just thrilling to be in this place in my life, especially considering the circumstances of what just happened, and not only being happy, but also confident and glad that things are going the way that they’re going. I’m not saying that I’m over everything because that’s not true at all. It’s easy to write all of this when I’m not actually in the same setting at all that I was when I was in the relationship. Still, I’m just happy to not have any grudges or be bitter. Maybe I’ve just grown up a bit. I don’t know. There are actually a lot of things I don’t know, like her side of all of this. I mean, these are all things I’ve been thinking about on my own and dealing with but this tie has been cut so all I really have been considering anymore is myself.

The best news about all of this is that in experiencing tough times with someone else, I realize more and more how important and awesome my friends and family are. You guys have always been there and I don’t know why it’s always so surprising to find that you are still there even after I’ve gone off somewhere else without you for a while. I really appreciate that and I think that’s what makes all of you so special. That’s part of that New Year’s resolution I made to be a better friend because I’ve gotten nothing but love from most of you guys and I think I can do better in showing it back. I’ll apologize if I have to, but I think you can tell by reading this that you know I am trying harder and trying to better than the past so I hope you appreciate that. This brings me to my next subject though and potentially explains the title.

I’m done with relationships. They’re just not for me. I have been trying to think about whom I have dated or kissed or anything in my life that I still am in contact with and am friends with really and it’s not looking too good. Actually, if you charted it out based on my current good friends, the trend would be alarmingly in favor of me never being romantically involved with people in order to determine the success rate of our relationship as friends. I’ve been fortunate too in that most of my relationships, with one exception I can think of, have ended well and usually on good terms. Still, it is weird to go from being good friends, best friends really or so I always thought (probably was wrong though), to hardly even friends after it’s over. That’s really uncool and it seems like that tends to happen a lot more with relationships than with just normal friendships. I’d much rather have a Jerry and Elaine thing going on with a lot of people I used to date because at least that would tell me that there was something more to our relationship that shows we’re still good friends even if we didn’t work out as a couple. Maybe I just make a better friend than a boyfriend. I’m willing to accept this as an answer.

I’m not saying that women are the devil, don’t get me wrong there. All I’m saying is that I want friends, not girlfriends. It’s fun and all, but I can sustain a friendship much easier and much longer than a relationship. I have friends who are girls and we’ve never dated… maybe that’s why we’re still friends. Isn’t it crap though that you’re not even allowed to be friends with people of the opposite sex when they’re dating someone else though because of jealousy issues? This seems wrong to me. All I know is that they’re still there for me and I’m still there for them which is something I can say of very few women from my past. Maybe I’m wrong about all of this and all of these girls have been waiting for me to contact them for some time. I don’t know. If that’s the case, then I feel kind of bad. I just know that I’m tired of getting into trouble and starting drama. The flirty games and everything are fun, but I’m finding that the friends I have just cannot be topped and I’m glad to have them. As far as I can tell, I’ve got much more to show from my friendships than from my relationships and that’s what I’m going off of.

I feel kind of like I’m in high school again where I’ve got all of these crazy theories that I’m going to use to dictate my life even though I can’t really explain them or justify them that well. Principles for the sake of having principles. It was fun and I don’t know if I didn’t really accomplish anything, but I graduated without ever drinking… so that means something right? I tried to explain my reasoning on this one but maybe it’s all crap. I don’t care. I don’t know if it will work either. I mean, circumstances can determine a lot and it’s really easy to be all intellectual and philosophical about things when you’re sitting alone in your room on your computer instead of sharing drinks with some PYT. I don’t know how long this will last, maybe I can make it a 2010 thing? All I know is that that whole hooking up thing and being young and dating stuff is for the birds. Enjoy the games. It’s fun, I’ve been there and I’ve seen it, but it’s not for me.

I’ve got friends and they’re great. If you want to be my friend, then that’s awesome. But if you are interested in something else, you’re barking up the wrong tree. It ain’t me, babe. I’ll call you when I’m the pope. Take care.

So here are some songs to take you out. Just the soundtrack I’ve had for the last week or so:
Alexi Murdoch – Orange Sky
Bob Dylan – My Back Pages and All I Really Want to Do
Beirut – Scenic World
Defiance, Ohio - Lullabies
And why not Rod Stewart – Maggie May


(EDIT: Okay. Everything is subject to change, of course. You all should know by now from reading this that nothing is ever is clear or simple as it seems. I’ve been going back and forth on everything for the last few months and you can use any metaphor you want to describe this. I can’t deny that there are days where I’m riding that emotional high and I think I’ve finally got everything figured out. Likewise, there are the other days where I feel like I’ve taken two steps back and just haven’t accomplished anything that I thought I had yesterday. I wish I could say all of these struggles and difficulties have been working towards something and often I feel like they are. I do feel sometimes like I’ve grown and I’m learning but once those days pass, I end up back on just those lows that make all the good days seem fake.

I can write all of these things and as much as I’d like to believe them, I know that they are going to be tested and that I don’t know how easy it will be to sustain this feeling. I know I’m not over everything… not even close. I won’t lie and pretend like this hasn’t been horrible to go through and to do it when I’m here of all places, where I’m supposed to be doing something I’ve worked towards for years, has been awful and ruined a lot of this experience for me. I’m trying to salvage everything here, but I can’t act like I don’t miss the way things were. I’m trying to overcome the emotional with the mental and it’s been a fight back and forth since the very beginning. I think the most important thing is that all I’ve ever wanted was to do things right. Even if it’s not best for me, I just wanted to do things the right way because any other way just makes things worse. Of course I know that there is no right way and a wrong way, only the way that things do go. I just can’t help looking back and seeing all of the stupid mistakes and wondering just how much damage I’ve caused. I really don’t know what comes next, whether it’s bad or better. There’s a lot of unknowns and my worst fear has already been realized so I don’t know what that means.

I don’t know if I’m a deeply disturbed headcase or what but going through this on my own has been a struggle. As nice as you all are and would like to be there for me, there are pretty big barriers preventing that from happening. Even trying to generally creates more stress and problems than there were before you even tried. I know that this is something I have to go through myself and this blog is actually really just a way to alleviate that a bit. I don’t know if it makes it worse or better, but at least I’ll be able to read through these one day and see just what happened… I’m sure I’ll learn something from that. I’m not crying for help right now either. I know what I have to do and I know how I’ve got to do it. All this post was [not the edit part I’m writing now, but the main part] was just a new philosophy I’m trying to implement so that I can’t keep moving on in life without screwing more things up in the process. I don’t know how it’s all going to work out and I know that I want to do things right, it’s just hard to see how that is so in the meantime, I just want to minimize those errors until I make it to a point where I can actually figure things out.

I’ve accepted the fact that just putting all of the same characters back together in the same setting doesn’t mean that the same play will take place as much as I’d like to believe that’s true. Life is changing, the world is turning, people are walking on different paths. I miss the way things were, but maybe that’s just for today. I’ll just try never to forget the words of wisdom “Don’t be sad that it’s over. Be glad that it happened.”)