Tuesday, December 29, 2009

December 30th, 2009 – 13 Years


13 Years…

13 Years…

Today marks 13 years since my brother, sister, and I were left motherless, my dad without a wife, my grandmother with one less daughter, my aunt and uncle without their little sister, and the world with one less good person.

In the past, I’ve had long things to say about this and I could spill my heart onto these pages but I grow older every year.  I grow older every year and it always seems different the next time.  It’s been 13 years and I’m 21 now though, so you do the math.  13 years and I’m still surprised there’s so much pain sometimes.  13 years and it still matters everyday.

I know I don’t talk about this a lot and maybe some people reading this now are just learning this about me and my family for the first time.  I can’t explain it though.  And even if I could explain it, I don’t think you’d understand.  That’s not a bad thing though.  Be happy that you can’t understand.  It means you haven’t had to deal with something that I often can’t believe is a reality and that it actually happened to my brother, sister and me.

As I grow older, I’ve come to realize more and more each year that it wasn’t just me that it happened to.  It wasn’t even just my family.  This sort of thing happens everyday unfortunately, and it just matters such.  Even if I’m not talking about it, it’s there.  It matters.  I’ll die never knowing the full extent of the impact.  We all will.

I don’t feel much like going very deep into this tonight.  This is something I may just save for another time or maybe I’ll never post it at all if I do end up writing more.  The message I want to send is simple: be thankful for everyone in your life and don’t take anyone for granted.  Even if it’s just for today, please do this for me.  Let someone know you appreciate them because you won’t always be able to.  Every life matters and everyone is someone important to someone else, even if they’re not that way for you.  I’m serious when I say that I want anyone who reads this to take some time to just forget any adversity you have with someone and just respect them as another living person that is equally deserving of love and respect and everything else as you are.  I don’t think this is too much to ask.

I know it may be hard for some people to imagine where I’m coming from and sadly for others not so much, but I just want something good to come out of this day that has historically been so difficult.  It doesn’t have to be your mother or a relative or anything, just somebody.  Anybody.  Please, I’m not asking a lot.  If you know me at all, care for me at all, or even just happened to wander on here, do this for me.  Actually don’t even do it for.  Do it for yourself or do it for someone else.  How about doing it for Diane Lucille Berry?

Thank you.  I love you all.

Monday, December 28, 2009

I still don't know if this is cool to do or not, but I noticed Maddy's been posting photos, so check them out:
http://picasaweb.google.com/maddy2moo

Also, I think my computer is at risk of breaking down which would be a very very bad thing.  Let's hope this doesn't happen.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

a lot about nothing


*Just want to note that I got to walk past the monkeys on my way here and then scared off a pack of wild mongooses (mongeese?) to get my spot here with my computer and I'm still watching them now.  This place is wild.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

First off, Merry Christmas to everyone.  It definitely didn’t feel like it here, I have to admit though I guess it was still just an okay day.  Most of the foreign students are out of town for at least the weekend but I think the six from CIEE who left won’t get back until after new years.  Those of us stragglers have been hanging out and trying to keep busy.  It’s weird with no one here around campus – even my roommate’s gone.  I’ve been so busy lately with homework and all of these other essays I’m working on to try and get an internship or some scholarships that I really haven’t been able to type up anything for this blog.  I feel like there are some huge gaps in here over the last couple weeks and a lot is missing which I regret but I guess there’s not much I can really do about it.  I don’t really know what I intend to be doing or accomplishing right now in this blog, I just have some free time and am sitting alone in my room the day after Christmas so I gotta talk to someone or something I guess.  I have been planning on writing up a long post for the new year but I’m going to write that at a later date.  I have been coming up with resolutions as well as looking at my old ones and I have a good outlook for the upcoming year.  The reason I’m hesitating on starting it now is because I have plans to go to Arusha in northern Tanzania for New Year’s celebrations with some other CIEE people who will be there at the same time, then spending the next two days in Moshi before returning here for school again.  Traveling to Arusha is going to take something like 10 hours on a bus so that gives me wayyyyyyyyyy too much time to write up everything and think because I’m going to be heading there on my own without anyone to talk to.  We’ll see how this goes.

Ya know, I’m really trying here.  I’ve never been challenged like this before and the challenges are definitely coming in forms that I did not predict at all.  Just trying to do homework in the dorm has been a huge challenge because it’s always so noisy.  Actually, for that matter just trying to sleep here has been difficult and incredibly frustrating.  I can’t exactly go to the library to do work either though because I can’t bring a bag in there and I don’t think I’d be able to plug in my computer anyway.  It’s also disappointing to wake up every morning and find that the water isn’t running so I have to shower from a bucket and wait until later to do my laundry (out of the same bucket).  I think what I’m trying to say here is that I need a change of scenery.  I’m tired of being in school and in classes here.  I’m tired of dealing with all sorts of other things that are out of my control and having this have a negative impact on my education.  I want to be doing something else.  Even if it’s worse, I still welcome change at this point.  This isn’t to say that I’m not enjoying myself here but more that I didn’t really find my niche here and I want to take some action and create some change.  I’m sure there will be plenty of this in my New Year’s post so I’ll just change topics now.

One other reason that I’m heading out to Arusha for New Year’s is that the internship I’m trying very hard to get instead of doing a second semester here would have me located in Arusha so I want to see the town.  I don’t know if I talked about it before on here and I don’t know if I want to publish a lot of things on here talking about it because I don’t want to jinx anything at this point.  I’d just be very excited to get this and I think it’s a really good fit so I’m working to try and do what I can in order to get it all set up.  Pray for me, hope for me, do whatever you have to do.  I don’t want to place too much significance on this thing but I really think it could make a monumental difference in how I remember this experience and time in my life.  I haven’t heard a whole lot of good things about Arusha and it really sounds like it can’t even be compared with Stone Town on Zanzibar where some other internships are available which sounds like the coolest place I can think of in this country, but in terms of the actual work done by these different organizations, the choice is obvious for me.  Okay, I’m going to cut off this topic as well again because it’s just not the right time yet.  I just hope I go to Arusha, find it better than here at least and then get my application all worked out.

I had plans to head to the beach yesterday for Christmas because I’m assuming I’ll probably never been in a tropical coastal city on Christmas day again in my life.  I was pretty excited about the prospect of lounging under a palm tree in my Sheed jersey sipping on a pina colada for Christmas but come Christmas morning here, we were advised by several people not to try and go to the beach on that day because it gets really busy and there are security risks.  Bummer.  So that left three of us completely planless, but at least we weren’t alone.  I even had something to open on Christmas day as a matter of fact and I opened a holiday card from my step-sister as well as a small package from my dad with an awesome U of O Rose Bowl shirt and some candy.  I also got to hear from some family via phone throughout the day so it was well.  Laura, Jessy and I tried to just track down this sushi restaurant we had heard of instead of going to the beach.  In reality, the weather was not ideal for a day at the beach anyway as it was windy at times, gray, and it even rained briefly.  Still, we had to do something other than mope around the dorms (which we did do for a while).  It was pretty obvious that everyone was feeling a little lonely and depressed and none of us really felt like it was actually Christmas.  I guess it’s come to pass now and I probably won’t ever be in this situation again on Christmas, but I can honestly say I don’t feel like yesterday was Christmas at all or even close so I guess I just didn’t have one this year.  On top of that, the sushi restaurant didn’t even open yesterday so we ate at this little pub place that was alright just not Christmasy at all either.  I was able to buy some gifts though yesterday and if you’re on my nice list I’m trying to get you something that I can give you when I return.

I’m trying to make the most of this experience and it’s just very difficult to balance school work with all of the other opportunities that exist out there.  I do care about my grades and I don’t honestly understand how everything is graded here so I’m just trying to do as well as I can and see how it turns out.  I should have just taken a lot of random easy classes so that I could go out and get drunk every night but I will admit that I am learning some interesting things in my courses.  I just have been through this whole education tap dance for too many years now and I just know how it goes.  Just being real here, but I’m tired of being in school.  Sorry for writing that for the hundredth time but I’m feeling it for the hundredth time as well.  I’m not just in school because I need credit and a degree but because I actually want to learn some things that will inspire me.  That’s been the most disappointing thing about college for me.  I was really hoping it would be different than high school in that you don’t just look at the books to figure out what you need to know for the tests and the paper but instead the teachers cared more about blowing your minds than hearing you regurgitate crap from the book.  But hey, that’s “teaching”.  Discussions and seminars are the same way – just say what the TA wants you to say and talk enough so they know your name and you get an A.  Maybe it’s me that’s wrong in my approach but I honestly don’t feel like a lot of teachers really care enough about the subjects that the university makes them teach (and this goes for all schools I’ve been at so far and there also are many exceptions) to try and get the students emotionally invested and passionate about the topic.  I could have learned all of these things from the books and texts they are teaching from and they’re hardly giving their own position on things.  It’s a system.  Do what you have to do within the system in order to keep it operational and moving along.  Business as usual.  In the end, the machine pumps you out and you have a degree in your hand and then you go, apply a fraction of that knowledge and just be what you’re naturally inclined to be anyway.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten pretty good at critical thinking, logic, and all those sort of things by this point and those really are invaluable skills that matter outside of school.  This I appreciate, but the subject matter of courses just isn’t doing what it’s supposed to be doing.  I don’t think it’s too unfair for students to demand more, especially with the amount of money we’re paying (except in those European countries where there university is free).  We’ve come too far and worked to hard to just be put through the same song and dance only at a higher level.  We’re capable of some pretty amazing things and it’s being squandered by this system.  I know I can write a paper.  I know I can memorize the significance of certain things.  How the hell do you think I got here?  Let’s break some ground here and do something new.  Whatever.  It’s not going to change.  As long as people can get their degrees and move on then it’s cool.  I’m just as guilty as the rest of them, just currently fed up.

So this is what happens when I start writing a post with no ideas in mind.  This is actually more what I expected this blog to be like and kind of what it used to be like back when I was on summer break after my year at UBC.  Just a series of incoherent rants that don’t really go anywhere.  Oh the frustrations of a middle class white male.  Oh no, here comes the second rant about how I’m self-loathing for having such trivial complaints.  Hopefully not, but it’s true, especially being here, that my petty problems from home really don’t amount to the real concerns of people here… actually even for a lot of people in the U.S.  I don’t want to pass any judgment here, especially because most of the people who read this are of the same background as me and don’t like to feel guilty about the fact that our lives are different.  They’re just different, that’s all.  It’s not better or worse or anything, just different and I don’t want to judge anyone for that, so don’t let me.  We’re all victims of the circumstances in which we were born except for some of us we’re only victims in the sense that we aren’t victims.  I’ve been preaching this for years and I really need to stop because it hasn’t really gotten me anywhere, but I just don’t want to take it for granted that I am socially positioned well.  I hate that I find it hard to relate to people of a different socio-economic status and that I have no answers for why I was raised the way I was and they were the way they were.  It sucks to not have any answers and it’s really disempowering.  The saddest part though is just that such stupid things have a real impact in how we interact with each other as humans.  I don’t know.  I’m going to put this one to rest now too.

Well I hope you’ve enjoyed my ramblings or that you at least disagreed with a lot of what I’ve said.  These are the topics I really wonder about and grapple with, not so much the things I’m learning in class.  The things you can say to me in a discussion are more likely to have a lasting impact on the way I think than the things I learn in class, at least usually.  It’s just really surreal to be halfway across the world saying the same stupid things I’ve been saying for years but I guess I’m just spending too much time trying to perpetuate my lifestyle just in a new location.  I’m hoping this new year brings new opportunities and that I actually push myself to take action this time.  This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me and I want to do it right.  I haven’t been so far and I’m aware of that but I’m trying to correct this.  I miss you all though and I appreciate the season’s greetings I’ve been receiving.  It’s nice to be in your thoughts and prayers and I’d like to do something significant while I’m here so that I have an experience to take back home and share with you.  I want the impact of this experience to extend far beyond myself and I’m going to work towards something. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  Stay tuned for the upcoming post because I have high hopes for it.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I'm Not Gonna Lie

This sucks.
This is lonely.
This is depressing.
This is only just beginning.

I don't know if it's just because all of my friends left town it seems like and I still have class or maybe that this time of year has been difficult for me historically but I really don't want this right now.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

How the hell did I end up at a casino last night?

...and why do I feel so shitty today?


It's weird that the most foreign (for me, at least) experiences I've had here are ones that I pretty much could have had at home and I never imagined would happen to me here.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

So Much to Say

I've been terribly busy this last week and it looks like the next couple weeks will be the same way.  So many tests and assignments and such.  I actually have a book review due on Christmas Eve as well as a research paper due for the same class on January 5th.  Unbelievable.

This last week has been a roller coaster though and I've been wishing I had more free time and could write in here a lot, but school is just more important right now as is doing things other than sitting around worrying or pondering about life.  I'll just try and give some bullet points or a condensed version right now though.

First off, this:



BAM!  Sorry it's reversed because I did it in the mirror, but you're looking at a Sheed jersey right there, folks.  Someone tell Zack Bloom right now.  I'm guessing it's circa 1999 or so but it's in very decent shape all things considered.  Also, Sheed's just one of my favorite Blazers of all time.  This was a bright point in what was otherwise a shitty day.  Here's how it happened...

We went to visit some of our local friends in their hood called Tip Top and this place is the real deal.  I've been wanting to write about this since the second I got there and I'm not going to get to do it right now because my battery is dying but it was a very awesome experience.  CIEE just sent out a newsletter to parents I think and it's got a photo from when we were there just cooking some dinner.  On the way to Tip Top though, Ashley (who goes to PSU) saw this jersey hanging at some shop randomly along the way at one of the dala dala stops.  She told me and she thought it was a store full of Blazers jerseys or something (it wasn't, unfortunately) but I made sure I had a view and watched diligently out the window the entire way back, memorizing where it was.  To cut the story short, two days later I was rockin' the Sheed.

OKAY battery's dying here.  Campus internet is back up here much to my surprise and I bought this modem so that I can access internet from my room now.  It cost me a pretty penny that could have been spent elsewhere, but I was able to use Skype (with VIDEO even) for a good half hour I think yesterday and it cost much less than I think it does for people at home to call me.  Also, I think it was the first conversation I've had with Quinn where we got to end it on our own terms instead of running out of money or something.  Good stuff...

Well I need to be doing more homework anyway, but I thought I'd just say hey.  Still working on finding an internship for next term.  This one looks like it might happen though I don't want to jinx it:
http://www.ecolicu-tz.org/

Cross your fingers for me, folks!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

10 Weeks

Today marks 10 weeks, 70 days.  I would like to be celebrating but I'm just frustrated right now.  Where else in the world will campus internet be not working because "the bill was too much".  This is just the worst timing for this because I really need to be in contact with certain people right now, especially to find out what I'm going to be doing with myself here next term.  Last time this happened, it took about 3.5 weeks to get going again.  It was cute back then because I thought it would be an interesting experience but not anymore.  Just frustrating.

Thank you, Andrey pt. III

Sunday, 12 December 2009




This is actually the third time I’ve started this post and I hope I finish this time or at least that I have time to. I’ve kept really busy this week and I should be doing so today but I didn’t get a chance to sleep in so I guess I’m not behind schedule yet. Sunday mornings (and sometimes Saturday, too) in the guys’ dorm just sucks horribly. People just start blasting their music for about two hours or more starting at 7:30 am and this is something I can’t explain. Today (right now), it’s the guy living next door, Dylan’s roommate, who’s been pumping hip-hop all morning and even plugged in his own microphone to sing along for a while despite his tone-deafness. This is good motivation to avoid drinking yourself into a position in which you’ll wake up hungover because Saturday and Sunday mornings are the absolute worst until about 9:30 or 10 and then they go do something else. I still don’t understand this habit, but this isn’t what this post is about.



I just want to take a second here to congratulate everyone at home on completing their finals and I hope everyone makes it home alright if that’s where they’re heading. Let’s hope that the weather is a little more manageable this season as well. It seems weird to me that people are finishing up right now because we’re only at about midterms here or maybe not even that far. Some other American students here didn’t change their program dates when they learned that UDSM was going to start late, so we actually saw a lot of them partying last night because they’re heading home today. Crazy. I can’t even imagine that and as much as I kind of wish I was at home sometimes, my work here is still far from finished and I won’t be ready to do that anytime soon. Especially going from this weather to the cold at home… I don’t think I could do that. Still, though, congratulations everyone. I wish I was you right now just because I’m tired of homework.



My days here have gotten significantly better since last Sunday and even since I wrote those last two short posts. I told you that I was feeling really down last Sunday; one of the days where I just wanted to get on a plane out of here as soon as possible. But that all changed in the afternoon when Dylan and I met this random guy at a restaurant that we went to study at. His name is Andrey, if you couldn’t tell from the title of this post, and we’ve hung out with him and his friends quite a few times in the last week. These guys are definitely different than anyone else we’ve really met here at UDSM – not your typical student here at all. We’re still meeting them and learning more so I can’t really say that much, but they’re kind of like the high rollers on campus I think. They basically have their own section of this restaurant on campus where they just hang out and drink or smoke cigarettes all day. We first met Andrey because we accidentally sat down at his table when he was away and we thought it was empty, but he came and joined us and talked to us for a few hours when we decided to listen to him instead of doing the homework we planned on doing. He gave us a much different perspective on things and I preferred that kind of education more than the book learning we’ve been doing mostly. That’s what I signed up to do here, meet people, and although the classes are alright, I think what I’ll remember most is the other people that I meet and get to know. Still, it all started with Andrey…



Things have been much better for me since that Sunday afternoon/evening. I did still write up those two little dramatic posts but that was mostly because I couldn’t tell if the change in attitude was only temporary. I still don’t know if it is or not, but I think this trip is just going to consist of both highs and lows so I might as well ride it while I can and hope that the next time I don’t sink as deep. As I got online to post a blog on Monday morning, I learned about Greg Oden’s injury as well as all of the other things troubling the Blazers lately. That was bad news. I also had a very brief little Skype conversation which I’m thinking I might have misinterpreted (I’m sorry!) but even though it was kind of depressing news, it got me thinking about some important things and ways that I should actually be living here. I need to start actually living here, I realized, instead of trying to be somewhere else or make this experience about someone else who really physically can’t be a part of this. I signed up to do this program on my own and as much as it has sucked learning that I don’t like being alone or hanging out by myself as much as I used to, I’m trying to get some of that back now because it’s more important to enjoy this experience and make the most of it. Moping or hating things isn’t going to improve anything at home or accomplish anything either. Not only that, but this should be the most amazing experience ever, not the worst. I knew it was an attitude issue but I’m also seeing now that I have to make changes in order to improve things, not just talk about it. I’ve been trying to stay busy and as a result, I spent most of my days out of my room (where previously I would just sit in sorrow and type up these things) from early in the morning to late in the evening. I’m finding ways to keep busy instead of just sitting on my own and that’s important.



Monday was still a little rough even though things were a little different. I went to lunch with my friend Elise who already knew that I had been having a shitty month and she had been too. She was also supposed to stay for the year but isn’t going to be anymore. That’s not to say that I’m not going to, but I’m still looking for other options. Anyway, Elise and I had a good lunch conversation together where we just sort of came clean about all of the things that had been bothering us all this time and it was good to hear someone else say the things I was thinking. I’m learning more and more that I’m not alone at all in going through these things or feeling the way I do. By the way, I appreciate the support from everyone after I wrote what I wrote. That helped too and I don’t recall ever hearing from that many people before. Even on my birthday… come on! This lunch conversation was a turning point though and we both were talking about how we knew what we had to do, change our attitudes, it just was much easier said than done. Just another reason why this whole week has been different than the others. I’ve recaptured that mindset that I came here with and have been remembering why I thought it would be so awesome to come here.



Dylan and I invited Elise and Kelly to come with us to Hill Park (the aforementioned restaurant on campus) after Andrey called us up Monday afternoon to join him and his friends for a drink. Even last night, I went there and saw only his friends there but some of the other girls in our program wound up there as well. It seems like only Dylan and I actually like these guys and don’t argue with them all of the time. They kind of are a boys club though, but I think it’s also because we’re trying to learn from them and hear what they have to say, rather than taking offense at everything they say we think is wrong and trying to correct them or teach them. I went to bed Monday night feeling a little bit better though.



Unfortunately, I do have to admit that I still wake up every morning feeling homesick and I’m sure that if we had internet in this dorm, I would be on my computer trying to skype with people or just creep them on facebook every morning. Maybe this is a blessing. I don’t know. I miss you all and sometimes I wish I could be in better contact but I’ve heard from a friend that if it’s easy to just sit online when you’re abroad, you can get trapped doing that. So it may be for the best even though it’s hard not having a choice in whether I can be in touch or not. Like I said, I signed up for this alone and it has to be my experience alone. I can’t make you be here. I woke up from the loud and heavy rain early Tuesday morning. When it rains here, it pours and it goes hard for maybe 15 minutes and then stops. I think we’ve either entered the short rainy season here or maybe it’s el nino which I’ve heard people talking about. It’s hard to tell because things are messed up and always changing with global warming. I woke up yesterday from the heavy rain as well as lightning and thunder. It was cool because the sun was rising so the clouds were slowly going from a bluish-purple to orange as I lay in bed watching and listening to this. The rain was so loud that I would have had to shout to be heard over it. Back to Tuesday though. I woke up again after the rain because I had another vivid dream. That’s probably another reason why I keep waking up homesick and even though I’m finding ways to enjoy myself here, I can’t help what my subconscious really desires.



Tuesday was another good day though; even better than the day before. I was feeling a little rejuvenated and more alive. I went to my classes and remembered that I wanted to come here to see how students’ and teachers’ perspectives and styles are different from at home so I actually paid attention to that. It’s actually really cool to learn about development from the perspective of the people who are being “developed”. It’s cool to have teachers that are old school Marxists from back in the day when this was a socialist country. Teachers at home only teach theory but they seem to hardly ever actually believe in any theory they teach unless it’s whatever the newest trend is. These guys teach only their perspective and defend it even if the students are challenging anything they say. It’s really interesting to see actually and I’m not bitter towards my classes like I used to be. It was just a good day where all of the things we talked about in each of my many classes all related to each other somehow and I was seeing the big picture. Outstanding. It’s days like that where I want to stay here forever. I remember that I came here and chose to stay for an extended period so that I could be settled and get used to things. That’s probably why when I decided it was time to have “the talk” with Ken, all I could tell him was that I was considering doing something else instead of a second term here. For weeks before this though, even as recently as the day before, I was confident that I would tell him that I absolutely wasn’t going to be continuing here but he just caught me at a good time I guess. As of this moment, I’m still hoping to get an internship instead for the second semester so that I won’t have to stay as long (the end of July is a long time from now) and because I’m tired of sticking around doing homework when I should be out seeing everything that there is here. It seems like just coming home to do Spring term at U of O is a worst case scenario thing right now but maybe I’ll just be ready to move on by the time that moment comes. It’s still too soon to tell but all I know is that I have until February 13th to withdraw without financial penalty (just reminds me that I’m going to be alone again on Valentine’s Day this year : ( ….) and that there could be serious visa implications. We’ll see.



Tuesday night had an event called the International Day of Solidarity with the Palestinian People that I went to (by myself, I might add). Although the event itself wasn’t that outstanding and was unfortunately just horribly Tanzanian, I still found out that the Ambassador of the State of Palestine is actually this older guy who I have a class with here. Hopefully I get a chance to talk to him again when we have class on Tuesday and find out some things that didn’t get addressed in that event. Regardless, I don’t think there’s ever been a more appropriate night to happen to be wearing my “THEY WERE HERE FIRST” t-shirt.



I returned back to the dorm that night with Dylan and we had a nice little chat on the roof while he did some slow shutter photos of the stars because all of the clouds were clear and the rain had pushed the smog down as well. He’s the only other guy in this program and even next term they’re expecting approximately 18 more people… all female. It’s already been a little hard for me because Dylan started dating this other girl in the program so I don’t have a brother that’s always there or someone that I can just always have guy talk with. He was thinking about getting out for the second semester as well in which case I almost definitely won’t be staying. As of right now, Ken’s working very hard to make adjustments to this program that will be starting as early as next term. In case you forgot, we are the first students to do this program through CIEE and it’s clearly experiencing growing pains. I’m sure that things are going to be much different when they start up again next year from how we had it and I’m not sure how I really feel about that. My timing in life has always been off though so I can’t say I’m really surprised.



Wednesday brought more heavy rain in the morning though it died down before we headed out. It was the 48th anniversary of Tanzania’s independence and my only two classes were rescheduled and cancelled. Dylan, Kelly, Elise, and I headed downtown for the day which I haven’t really done since we first took our tour of downtown long ago. My good mood from the day before was still spilling over so I was enjoying the trip from the second we got on the daladala. I don’t know if it was because it was technically a holiday or what, but downtown wasn’t particularly crowded and it made my day much less stressful. If you get a chance to just look around at everything when you’re downtown, it’s actually really cool. The city of Dar es Salaam is most certainly unlike any city in the U.S. and I really dug it. I could write up a lot more on it and I probably should but this post is already too long and it wouldn’t be easy to describe the real feeling of just experiencing the city center of Dar es Salaam.



I’d heard about some international students here who go to Mwenge, a little market area near campus, and teach English to some of the carvers and shopkeepers there. When I’d asked before over a month ago if I could go or they needed help, they said they already had enough people. However, when I asked Luca if I could just go and watch on Wednesday night, he told me that would be fine. He didn’t even end up going though because he has malaria (it’s not that bad, but he’s probably the last of the Europeans now to get it – they don’t do preventative meds). Also, his dad’s coming to visit for the next few weeks so they’ll be traveling so it looks like I’m going to be taking over his portion of the class. I’m sure I’ll have much more to say on this in the following weeks, but based off of my first impressions, it will be very enjoyable. I left there feeling very empowered and I think we’re working on a thing here on campus now coming soon where we’ll be helping improve the English speaking skills of other students.



Thursday and Friday were mostly uneventful (except that Ugandans through crazy parties on our roof) but I just tried to keep the ball rolling and stay on my toes, ya know? I want to enjoy myself here and I have been this last week. I’m definitely feeling better and I’m glad. I still miss everyone though and laying in bed by myself writing this means that I’m thinking about who all of this is being written too which doesn’t alleviate the homesickness by any standards. Still, I’ve been better at managing it lately and it seems like time has just been moving faster this last week. I mean, U of O is now on winter break. That’s crazy to me. Campus internet went down on Thursday morning write as I was hitting the send button on one of my emails. I doubt my advisors will be answering emails over the break as well so I’m kind of screwed here, I think. I hope we get internet up and running again here though because I really need to be taking care of business and finding out what I can be doing next semester.



Hopefully I’ll get this posted soon. Good luck, everyone.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Sorry that was a bit dramatic

I think I should clear a few things up but I've only got a few minutes here before class.

First of all, I need to stop writing on here when I'm feeling bad or down.  The problem is that when I feel really good and happy, it's when I'm out doing things and not sitting around on my computer.  I've been feeling really good lately and my positive attitude is coming back.  Unfortunately, this is happening only half the time.  It's almost bipolar.  Some days I feel really good, happy, glad, confident, etc. that I came here and those days are great.  Other days are more like what else I've wrote about and those are the days where I am just sitting in my dorm moping around and have nothing to do but write up sad things.  The lows I'm experiencing just get a little lower every now and then but the highs are getting higher.  I'm striving to get through this and I don't want you all to worry just yet.  I've been talking more with my fellow students here and many of us are feeling the same way.  I don't have much time to spend explaining right now, but I'll be keeping you updated as always.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I just don't know anymore

I started typing up this post that was essentially a cry for help last night and I don't know if I'll ever finish it or get it posted.  I'm just struggling pretty hard right now and it would be so much easier I think if I was able to communicate easily with everyone back home.  I miss you all dearly and you mean a lot to me.  I'm just wrestling with some inner demons right now and it's not easy but I hope to get through this and grow from this.  I've never had a challenge like this and sometimes I just have really bad days.  Yesterday, all I could keep thinking was "I'm deeply depressed" and things only seemed to be getting worse.  Today, I'm trying to remember what I came here to do, who I am, and what I can do to take advantage of the situation I'm in.  I was supposed to enjoy this a lot more.  I don't know what comes next for me or if I'll be able to get through everything just fine because it's not easy at all but if I can get myself in a good place mentally again, I think it'll be okay.  This is crazy though but I'm trying very hard.  Wish me luck.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

I'm glad to report that you can even smell roses in Tanzania.

I got to watch most of the fourth quarter live, streaming on ESPN 360.  What a miracle.  Even better was that I was watching it with Dylan who is actually a bigger Duck fan than myself and the two girls from Oregon State came up to use their own computers nearby us.  Oh victory is so so sweet.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Study Abroad Experience

Let me just start by sharing my December 2nd with everyone.  My one class that I have on Wednesdays was cancelled and there are quite a few other people in my program who also only have that one class or one in the evening so we essentially had a free day today.  Somebody proposed that we take a beach day and when I found myself at 9:30 this morning with nothing to do, I said why not.  We spent 1000 shillings on transportation round-trip and usually it costs 3000 to get into the place but I guess it was free today so we got to relax on the beach on these nice chairs and then float out in the ocean (in a part that was actually fairly clean) for a couple hours while fishermen floated by us in their boats.  Only three of us went, but it was just very relaxing and an awesome day on the beach.  It blows my mind to be sitting here, tomato red from sunburns, remembering my beach day and realizing it’s already December.  When we got back, a couple of the girls who stayed behind were even talking about listening to Christmas music.  Crazy.  What’s even crazier though was the hotel that we accessed the beach through and used their chairs.  When you come in, you pass the water park that they have, then the go cart track, then walk past their awesome fountain and their nice front desk.  It seems like a really cool place for honeymooners because each room had floor-to-ceiling windows with ocean views.  It was so cool and easily the nicest hotel I’ve been to – though that Busta Rhymes night was at a pretty nice place, it wasn’t the same kind of nice.

So I’m writing this blog post tonight and I still haven’t done the second part of the safari post yet.  I’m sorry for a failure in chronological order here or if I don’t ever get around to the second part, but honestly the good stuff was mostly in the first part.  I’ve titled this post the way I did because I’ve been figuring things out a lot lately.  The last month or so has been a time of transition and change in my life.  Everything you ever hear about study abroad is that it molds you as a person and changes your perceptions and so on.  This is something that is definitely true and something that I expected to happen, though it most definitely hasn’t been occurring the way I expected.  Mind you, I’ve still got a long time to go here and I’m still going through a lot of personal changes, so I don’t know what the outcome will be like or if it will more closely resemble my expectations from before I left.  Everyday is a new experience for me though and I generally feel a little different when I go to sleep each night than I did the night before.  I feel like most of my blog posts are just stories of events that happened and you don’t really get to see the transformation occurring which is actually probably much more important than just an account of things that happened.  I think I started this wanting to get more of my thoughts about the study abroad experience and life experience here in general broadcasted here so that this process of change in my life could be documented and those reading could witness it.  I guess I have sort of feared revealing a lot of things publicly that have been going on mentally for me and this is going to result in huge gaps in the overall story of my experience here for that reason.  If you really wanted to know what this whole trip has been like for me, you probably aren’t going to find it in any of my old posts.  They make alright day-to-day accounts and historical record or what went on, but they don’t actually capture what it has been like personally for me.  For this, I apologize.

Tonight, as I write this, I’ll try to share a more insightful perspective of what it has been like for me to be here really because I think this would be far more informational than just reading an anecdote of giraffes and wildebeests.  I’ve spent more time writing lately than actually doing my schoolwork and this is a problem, so I don’t know how deep I’m going to delve into these things before I get to working or even where I’m supposed to start on this whole thing.  Let’s see… where to start?  I guess I could start before I even left.

My expectations for this journey were many.  I think I expected to get first-hand experience in a place that I’ve only ever read about and really get some experiential learning this way.  I assumed it would be completely different and surprising to see poverty in person and that all of the problems I ever read about would be painfully obvious as would be their impacts (this hasn’t really been true).  I thought I would find more inspiration to join the Peace Corps and pursue a career overseas working amongst the people most affected by growing global inequalities.  I was expecting to get tougher, gain some street smarts and change to become a more globally aware and radical individual.  As mentioned above, this hasn’t been the experience… at all.  In many ways, the opposite has been true for me.  I mean, there are still quite a few things that I haven’t done yet and I haven’t even been here for two months yet (Saturday marks two months).  Still though, this isn’t about the change I haven’t gone through but rather the changes that have occurred.

I think most people would agree that I’ve changed significantly since I left high school.  I came out of there with a firm sense of right and wrong and complete confidence in my beliefs.  It only took one academic year at UBC and many lengthy dorm room conversations to completely eradicate all of those things from my world.  I spent the next summer wondering what had happened and missing that old foundation that I used to stand so solidly on.  I still have never gotten that back and it’s true that I definitely miss thinking I had all of the answers.  I’ve spend the last few years just having fun and getting educated it seems instead of thinking deeply about my life and forming principles to follow on a daily basis.  It’s been weird not having anything like this anymore and I think there’s been a lot of doubt in such unwavering beliefs that has caused me to avoid forming any altogether.  I used to have such a clear focus on long-term things and I used this to guide how I lived everyday.  Now it seems like I’m just trying to make it until tomorrow and then go from there.  I’m not captain of the ship anymore but just sifting through the wreckage, trying to find something firm to hold onto around which I will be able to one day rebuild once the storm has passed.

I think that’s actually a pretty accurate analogy and I didn’t mean to make it sound like I haven’t had anything to guide me since I left high school because that’s not true, but it is true that what I had as recently as two months ago is now gone.  The last several weeks have been immensely confusing and there has not been this much uncertainty and doubt in my life for a while.  When this happens, I tend to lose sight of those guiding principles that make it easier to get through every week and instead get bogged down in all of these crazy thoughts.  Slowly, I am recovering some of those things that gave me the perspective I originally and brought me to this place, though it hasn’t been an easy process.  I’m writing this now from a position where I believe that I am getting better and over these things so I’m climbing out of the trough… for now.  I still definitely don’t know what’s coming next and I can’t say for sure where all of this ends up, but I no longer want to have anyone reading this blog excluded because it should put things into perspective much better and more realistically.  I won’t go into full detail about everything that’s been troubling or what it has been like to go through this, though I want to make it a little more clear what I have been talking about so far.

For the last year and a half or so I’ve been planning intently on joining the Peace Corps directly after graduation and after that ends in 27 months, finding work internationally with some NGO.  I transferred universities because I thought that going to U of O would position me better to accomplish these goals.  I’ve dismissed thoughts of long-term relationships because of this and differences in career wants.  I’ve basically set this as my goal and organized my entire life around accomplishing this.  Of course, this had to be the thing to change one month into a ten month journey meant to only prepare me even more for this planned future.  Outstanding.  Fate just has excellent timing, doesn’t it?  I’ve been conflicted by feelings that didn’t disappear as I had hoped they had.  Instead they did the opposite and brought all of those things I was so sure about, so dead-set on, into question.  A battle of wants and needs took place and as hard as I had tried to fight one way, they only went the other.  I couldn’t tell if it was that I lose either way or that I win either way, I guess it’s just a matter of perspective.  All I know is that it would have been a hell of a lot easier to be here now if everything had gone according to the original plan.  This is the point of study abroad though, right?  Not to affirm your already standing beliefs but to present you with new possibilities and challenge your past assumptions.  How pleasant!  Sure, it’s easy to hear stories from people who return from abroad but to actually go through them yourself can be an absolute nightmare.  A complete paradigm shift is not an easy thing.

There have been days where I’ve felt like I’m in the absolute wrong place I’m supposed to be right now.  Days where 10 months seems like an eternity (even making it to the evening from the morning would take forever).  Days where I felt absolutely weak and unable to make it anymore and that I should just quit and go home because I felt a little robbed of my entire life purpose.  If I’m not going to pursue a career abroad or in the Peace Corps, what in God’s name and I doing here?  Impossibly far and out of constant communication from what I love most and by my own idiotic choice?  This is the last place I want to be.  Why could I ever be so stupid as to come here and abandon everything that I love?  Just times where I felt down and out.  Trapped in a foreign land and not enjoying my time here at all.

Things have been looking up though lately.  10 months does still seem impossibly long, but I’m considering other options for my second semester that wouldn’t involve remaining on the island that is the university.  Today, while floating in the ocean and dealing with my daily internal struggles, I had flashes of my old self come through and give me a much needed kick in the ass.  Accept your fate.  Enjoy your lot.  Things aren’t as bad as I’m making them out to be.  Moping and whining will not improve anything but only drive you deeper into this pit you’re digging.  This is childish and pointless.  A lot has already been accomplished and there is still so much more opportunity available.  Seize this time while you still have it.  This is a unique scenario that will only happen once and it’s time to move beyond this nonsense over which you are powerless and stop ruining this experience.  Only time can solve my crises so I don’t know why I’ve been so obsessed with trying to act like this was untrue.

Even writing this now is making me feel even better. 

I’m not sure how many of you, if any of you, even knew that I was going through this and it’s probably better, now that I think of it, that I didn’t share it with everyone until now.  There were times when I was hopelessly worried and could have actually used somebody to lean on.  I’m not spectacularly close to anyone here and I wouldn’t want to dump all of this emotional baggage on people anyway.  Especially if I’m doing it so constantly for a month, it’s not their responsibility to carry me.  Still, I’ve been trying to keep in mind that this whole thing is a process.  Every time I’ve ever been really sad, in my entire life, better days have come and personal growth has resulted.  I don’t want to worry anyone by posting this and I hope that if you’ve made it to this paragraph then you realize that things are already on their way back up (for now.)  I just want to shed some knowledge on you all and put you into my head for a bit here.  Show you what it’s really been like for me to be here.  I’m trying to just tell it like it really is because hiding the facts and the reality isn’t going to help anyone.  Of course, there are plenty of things I have left out here but I’ve come clean about a lot of things too and it feels good.  Our lives are great, and if they’re not, a time will come when they get better.  Most pain is only temporary.  Enjoy the good parts, knowing that they will one day end as well, but never think that the lows are a permanent thing.  It’s not easy.  It used to be something I was better at too.  I think this is all just part of my maturation and aren’t you all so fortunate to get to read about it right here (sarcasm).  I’m sorry this is so personal, maybe even too personal, but this is my journal and it’s a huge therapeutic thing for me.  I’ve relied on it quite a bit since I’ve been here and it’s your choice whether you want to really see what’s going on with me or not.  I appreciate those of you who have been sticking by my side through this though and I look forward to seeing you all again when this is all over.  In the mean time, I think I’ll just take you along for the ride.

-

So I need to comment on one last thing before this gets wrapped up.  I said that I’m considering doing something else with my second semester instead of staying in school here.  For some reason, the idea of leaving Dar es Salaam has just made me much happier lately and doing something else at the end of February seems much more reasonable than the end of July.  I’m most likely going to find volunteer work or an internship in another part of the country instead of just coming home, though I’m still weighing out all of the options right now, including just staying and finishing what I started here.  I really ought to get working on homework now because a long day at the beach goes best with a long, relaxed sleep in bed (followed unfortunately by the tearing pain of sunburns on poorly laundered stiff sheets).  I’ll be putting up details and the whole pros/cons list of my options in the near future.  If anyone has anything to offer in terms of contacts or leads which I should follow to find something to do from March until mid-June or so that allows me to stay in Tanzania, PLEASE let me know as soon as you can.  My next payment to CIEE is due soon and I’d like to have this decision handled as soon as possible.


Hoping everything works out for the best,

Scott

Monday, November 30, 2009

This Thanksgiving Holiday Was a Little Different Than the Others

1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List">
As promised, I’m going to start typing up an account of our 5 day safari, though it might end up taking me almost 5 days to finish typing up the thing.  We’ll see.  All in all it was absolutely astonishing.  It didn’t take me long at all to realize that this is one of those things people should add to their bucket list of things to do before they die.  I mean, I’ve seen pictures of a bunch of other young people around my age who go on safari and it seems like they just always end up taking the same photos, seeing the same animals, doing the same things, etc.  I get it, whatever, you took pictures from a car of some animals.  It’s not the same to see the pictures because they’re your memories.  I could go through 60 photos in maybe two minutes.  This was what I would think when I would see other photos from people’s safaris in the past and this is probably what you will think when you see my pictures.  I’m sorry for this because pictures clearly do not do the experience justice.  I was absolutely amazed and it was so awesome, especially the initial excitement of being in such an active national park.  Hopefully I’m able to convey a better reality of what safari actually was like for me better than just showing some pictures that look like anyone could have taken them.  You should be able to tell by now that it wasn’t just like any other trip out of town.

To begin with, let’s do some vocabulary.  “Safari” in Kiswahili just means like a trip or journey, so if you see something like “Safari njema” it’s like saying “have a good trip.”  “Habari za safari?” could basically just mean “how was your trip”, not necessarily that you went on what we traditionally think of as a real African safari.  So we started our safari on Wednesday morning where our cool safari SUVs picked us up outside of the administration building.  It was awkward carrying a suitcase across campus and sitting in an area of heavy foot traffic on Wednesday morning with a bunch of white people and their luggage so I was eager to get moving.  I sat next to Jessy who unfortunately goes to Oregon State but it was a good ride because we got to practice our Swahili and talk about some other things too.  It seemed like we both had some other stuff on our mind and it was hard to be as excited as we should be about doing something so cool or even just getting to go on a five day trip.  I kept trying to think about eating awesome food for free and that was working for a while but when something’s troubling you, no imaginary buffets or animals can keep you distracted for long enough.  The real thing, however, can.  The main road out west towards Zambia and western Tanzania actually runs through Mikumi National Park so even when you’re not in the reserve part that you have to pay to drive through, you can still see a lot of animals along the side of the road during this 20-40 kilometer stretch.  We saw a lot of antelopes around but they weren’t that impressive.  We drove slowly though and pulled over often on the way to check into our hotel which was just outside of the other end of the park.  The roof on the safari vehicles pops up so we could stand and take photographs or get a good 360 degree view.

Nothing will compare with the first giraffes I really saw maybe 50 yards from the road.  I don’t know why and I can’t really explain it, but it was just so cool for me.  I still remember there was one standing and one kind of laying down or something but the one on the ground was still so huge.  I thought it had to be fake because it was just monstrous and I had to laugh because it was just unreal.  With that sight in mind, we continued driving and now I was definitely excited that we would be going out for an evening game drive.  We got to the hotel, checked in just fine, ordered lunch, and relaxed for a little bit.  It was a pretty nice room actually and we were excited to find two separate, decent sized beds in each room as well as an actual shower that wasn’t just a shower head in a wall with the drain hole somewhere else across the bathroom.  The only downside was that the menu wasn’t quite as impressive as we had all hoped and there was no buffet.  Also the power had been out for about a week in this town because something major was busted and they needed to get a replacement or something important like that.  They had a generator to turn on at night for lights and stuff, but if I was wiser, I would have thought twice before ordering prawns masala from a place several hours from the coast without working refrigerators.  It was still alright though and we didn’t have to worry about the buffet because Dylan and I took the role of garbage dumpster, clearing everyone else’s plates at the end of each meal.  Every meal at these hotels was several courses too, a very nice surprise.  Lunch and dinner came with soup before the main course then fruit or a dessert afterwards with tea.  I’m definitely starting to appreciate being spoiled in hotels now which I wasn’t comfortable with before.

Our evening game drive brought us into the actual park where we had a very quick trip through the “museum” while our guides were figuring out our permits or whatever.  Ken rushed us along so we weren’t even able read anything though they had a nice display case, complete with photo evidence and bar graphs, describing road kill incidents in the park.  Fascinating (not really).  Everything was cleared and we were on our way.  They allowed a few of us to climb out and sit on roof of the car with our legs still dangling inside the car.  It was really cool just to take in the scenery and to actually be there.  It was so scenic and just like all of the pictures you’ve ever seen though except you have the liberty to focus on different things and get a full view of every direction, feel the bumps of the road, watch the animals in motion, and feel the heat of the evening sun.  The sky is so big, like when you drive through parts of Montana or the west where it’s almost like there’s more sky than earth.  Everything just looks so awesome that you can’t stop looking in every direction.  There will be more antelope on the left or zebras on the right.  You can see giraffes in the trees and elephants not far from that.  There were many water buffaloes, some wildebeests and even a few warthogs.  Not only that, but the nature, trees and such, just looks so cool and it’s all hitting you at once.  These animals aren’t very shy either and they just walk right across the road in front of you or are hanging out right next to other animals.  It’s so different than seeing them all isolated in a zoo.  They actually are able to take as much room as they want and they aren’t completely separated from all of the other species of animals.  Just really awesome to watch the interaction for real with their environment.

Once again, I was most impressed by far by the giraffes.  Finally I found another gangly, awkward creature that’s tall.  They were everywhere too and they seemed to watch us just as much as we watched them.  Like I said, I don’t know what it is about them but I just really liked them.  I can’t even describe their demeanor but they don’t seem to fuss or worry or be as uptight as the other animals.  Our guide and driver can’t even recall hearing them ever make a sound before.  You just need to be in their presence to feel it.  This one girl in our program has been excited to see giraffes since she got off the plane and everyone knew this.  I won’t mention her name, but she was in the other car taking photos and she got so excited when we first started seeing a bunch of giraffes that she shouted “This is my dream!!!” and we’ve been kind of making fun of her sense but it was just the most pure expression of joy and excitement I’ve heard here and she couldn’t even hold it back, even if she wishes she could now.  They are just awesome.  You have to experience it and then you’ll know.  I actually don’t know if everyone else thought they were as cool as I did, but it was still pretty sweet.

So now I’m at the part of the story that the photo from my last post is from.  We stopped the cars on the road near a tree where three young male lions were just napping and lazing around.  We were about 30 feet from the closest one to the road and they’re telling us to play it cool, just relax, and not make a lot of movements or noises.  I snapped off so many pictures and was just thinking it was crazy to be sitting almost entirely outside of the car this close to three sleeping lions.  They were pretty full, we supposed because they just hung out, rolled around, and yawned the whole time we were there and weren’t too interested in us.  The giraffes were interested in us though and they kept congregating off to the side, a respectable distance from the lions.  At one point there were about 40 of them I’d estimate – no joke – just a little ways away watching us watch the lions.  I swear they were watching us, waiting for us to make a mistake, and they got their chance.  I had already been told not to move around so much because I was pissing off the close lion, but things were cool.  I leaned back on the roof with my sunglasses resting in my hair.  As I got about level with the roof of the car, the sunglasses start to slip.  They slide from my head, slowly down the back of the car.  Everyone can hear this and all eyes turn my way as they take an eternity to fall off the back off the car, hit the spare tire or something on the way down, and finally crash to the ground.  Oh shit.  I’m sure a few eyes bugged and jaws dropped, but I was too busy covering my face in shame.  “Scott,” says Ken, our director with disappointment in his voice, “you need to get back down into the car right now.”  I slide back in and plop down, ashamed, happy to not have been pounced on, but still disappointed that the sunglasses Quinn gave me might be lost forever.  Everyone keeps looking at me, at the lion, down at the sunglasses.  What comes next?  They were free for her, so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal.  There’s probably no cooler way to lose sunglasses either, right?  Also, nobody should have to get mauled over a pair of plastic shades.  I’m too busy dreading the ridicule from Ken that I will surely have to endure forever from this point on to even take photos anymore.  To finish the story, the next five minutes or so were torturous but the driver from the other car decided that he could pull around and reach out his door to grab them.  It got the people in the other car even closer to the lions so they probably got even better photos and it got the sunglasses back, though now I can never lose them or break them because they’ve just been through too much.

The rest of the night wasn’t as eventful.  We were just tired from travel and just wondering what was in store for tomorrow, Thanksgiving.  It most definitely wasn’t my typical gray morning in Oregon.  We were set to just do one long drive through the park today and it is most definitely much hotter with more intense sun when you drive around, hanging out the car during the middle of the day.  Things weren’t as exciting the second time around and to kill time we sort of just stayed in one place with the engine off for a while watching all around us.  It was still alright though.  We went to the hippo pool where you just see all these huge things sitting in water, trying to stay cool.  They just randomly start snorting really loudly sometimes too but they aren’t the most exciting or majestic creatures.  There were some pretty big crocodiles in the pond with them too and I felt like I should probably watch my step around the edge of the pool.  We drove around from there a little more though, saw some more animals.  I like zebras too, by the way.  Their fur is actually pretty cool and a little trippy to stare at it.  Giraffes are still cooler though.

Our lunches were packed by the hotel, I think, and there was a little gazebo place for us to eat lunch, use the bathroom and wash our hands.  My Thanksgiving lunch consisted of a banana, a hard boiled egg, a butter sandwich (I think they just buttered bread, put it together, and cut it like a sandwich – not that good) and some old fried chicken that was in saran wrap.  We did go around the group and say what we are thankful though and talk about a few other topics.  The second thing they asked was what everyone missed most and when it got to me, I just said “I think just about everyone here already knows my answer for this one.”  “Oh, Quinn,” they say.  Yeah, they know her name here and everyone’s had to listen to me and all my troubles in the last month.  I’m sorry to embarrass you, Quinn, but I’m still madly in love with her and I miss her like crazy.  Just about every time you read that I’ve got other things from home on my mind in this blog, it’s her I’m thinking about.  It’s not easy to not have available internet to communicate with or a near end in sight to this trip and that’s been by far the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with and am still dealing with everyday.  You learn what you really appreciate though when you no longer have it and I’ve realized that I can live without almost all of my possessions but nothing’s been harder than being without her.

We came back in the early afternoon from our daylong drive around Mikumi National Reserve or Game Park, I’m not sure which.  I had taken more photos in the last two days with my camera than in the entire two years that I have had it, so awesome.  The rest of our day would be spent relaxing and eating dinner eventually.  I took a nap which may have been what kept me from sleeping well later that night (that and the mosquitoes buzzing right by my face and the heat without power to run the fan).  There was also a “snake park” in the same parking lot as our hotel which was fun to check out.  It wasn’t that cool except they had a black mamba that could easily destroy me.  If you walk along the snake pens long enough though, you end up at the place where they have little bunnies and stuff for them to eat and it gets really depressing really fast.  The next time we came back, there were just dead little birds scattered around all of the snake cages.  They also had some uninteresting turtles and tortoises and some very obese crocodiles.  I almost touched this huge one the second time I came around and I feel like I could have gotten away with it, though that’s probably what the croc wants you to think.  I got out of there before I did it, though I still wonder if this was the right decision.  Speaking of decisions, I thought it would be good to order the most Thanksgiving-like dinner I could so my original order was fried chicken and mashed potatoes.  I didn’t feel like fried chicken though after lunch because it was just too greasy and I’d already tried the potatoes so I decided to get the most original dinner I could think of: Spaghetti Bolognese and Samosas.  Unfortunately, the spaghetti noodles arrived without any sauce, I guess “Bolognese” doesn’t mean meat sauce like I was told.  Overall, it was… interesting.  I’ve definitely had better Thanksgiving dinners though… as in every other Thanksgiving dinner.

People were getting calls all day and same with the next day from their families.  I caved and called Quinn even though I don’t have a calling card and left her a message.  She called back in a couple minutes, doing the same crazy thing and we got in a rushed two minute conversation.  I love that woman.  My parents did eventually call later and my aunt Janice did call the next day too so I was feeling a little loved.  Our days in Mikumi were over though and we had a 60 kilometer ride out to the Udzungwa Mountains in Mang’ula ahead of us where we were going to do some hiking.  We loaded up the cars and set off towards our new home for the next two days…

End of Part I

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Coming Soon...

I just got back from our safari maybe 20 minutes ago and after 5 days and almost 900 photos, I can definitely state that it was absolutely amazing. I thought I would get online quickly while there is still a little bit of daylight left and post something now. I've got a lot of catching up to do on homework and stuff because I missed three days of class last week for this trip so I'll post a photo now if I can to hold you over until then.



The thing at the top of the photo is a lion hanging out.  The little orange things you can see at the bottom are Quinn's sunglasses that she let me borrow for this trip and fell off of my head at an inopportune moment.  More details to follow once I get some free time.

Stay tuned, folks.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Night I Almost Met Busta Rhymes

tent="Microsoft Word 11" name="Generator">
Sunday 22 November 2009 10:53 AM

First and foremost, let’s get this much straight: I wanted the title of this post to be “How I Met Busta Rhymes” and not what it is.  I’m sorry if the title ruins the good part but I’ve got to tell the story straight.

Oh boy.  Where to start?  The story of one night always seems to start at least three weeks ago.  My roommate invites me to this thing they call “Fiesta” that is some big concert in Dar es Salaam that they have every year.  It’s a lot of local popular hip-hop and Bongo Flava music but also it sounds like they wrangle in one big American name every year to headline the thing.  It was 50 Cent two years ago, Jay-Z and Beyonce last year and as you have hopefully deduced, Busta Rhymes this year.  I was just as confused as the rest of you ought to be because I think Busta’s popularity peaked when I was midway through elementary school, but I don’t really follow the whole hip-hop music scene so it’s possible that I don’t know what’s up.  One of the concert organizers died a few days before or had a death in the family I think so they postponed the show from a few weeks ago until this weekend and I went and saw Inglourious Basterds instead.  I was never really planning on going anyway but I just heard about Busta Rhymes going to be in Tanzania so I was sort of interested in hearing more about it or seeing pictures or something.  I did think it was cool that he was good enough to not bail because they moved the date of the concert, too.

Fast forward now to yesterday in the cafeteria early on a Saturday afternoon.  I see my friends Laura and Ashley are also getting arriving there at the same time I am with Dylan and I heard that they went out the night before to hit up some clubs with this random guy named Omar so I wanted to hear what their story was.  Laura met Omar the weekend before at this party organized by some students at a bar in town and apparently he’s got the hots for her.  I don’t know why a lot of girls do this where they talk about how creepy some guy is for a week but still end up going out with him next weekend.  Maybe it’s because he has a car (which changes everything in Dar) and he offers to pay for you and two of your friends to go out clubbing with him.  He’s apparently some pretty big high roller guy who is a DJ and hotel manager on Zanzibar and when they went out, he knew all of these important people and even got them into the first club for free.  He also bought them all dinner and paid for their drinks during the night and Laura still was able to fend him off by the end of that night.  What I also find out from them is that they’re going out again the next night to the after party for fiesta and Omar’s on the guest list as Omar +3.  She says she’s taking my friends Kelly and Emily who are (were) currently spending the day on the beach and weren’t eating with us then and there.  I was kind of curious how it got be that those two got be Laura’s wingwomen and I can’t honestly remember the thought process I had at the time but I wound up talking about how awesome of a facebook status that would be.  “Scott Berry MET BUSTA RHYMES IN TANZANIA LAST NIGHT.  THIS IS NOT A JOKE.”  I was saying how the people whose friends would appreciate seeing that status the most and would get the most positive feedback would probably be me, Dylan, and Ashley.  I mean, Emily goes to NYU and Kelly’s East Coast so all their friends are old money, ya know, and they would probably just sort of scoff because they’re hanging out with bigger celebrities all the time.  I love my friends though and I like that they appreciate such random happenstances.  Seriously, you all are awesome.  I wouldn’t trade you if I could.

I didn’t really expect anything to come about from that conversation and I really was just talking for the sake of making conversation over lunch.  I mean, if some Dar es Salaam high roller is trying to show some people a good time, he wants a car full of ladies, not some goofy lanky white dude.  The men here are especially that way generally so I never expected to find myself in a potentially awesome situation.  In fact, I solidified plans at that very lunch to go to 6 PM mass so my expectations were for a relatively tame night.  However, Laura texts me in the late afternoon saying that the girls on the beach weren’t responsive to her texts or calls – I guess it’s hard to keep your phone nearby on the beach – so she says that if they don’t get back to her soon, me and Ashley get to take their places.  I said that would be cool, but do you really think the guy would let me tag along?  She assures me that it would be kosher or at least that she’d help pay my way.  The only catch was that he wants to pick us up at 6 so I had to give my friend Kasia the unfortunate news as I saw her on the way to church that I can go to church every week but this is the first and only time I will ever be in a position to meet Busta Rhymes.  She took the news alright and when she went to the church there was a wedding going on anyway so it looks like I was meant to go live it up.

We were kept waiting for about four and a half hours and I didn’t get the free barbecue party dinner or drinks that I was promised but he finally showed up around 10:30.  This would have been alright if we were told this originally because Dar night life doesn’t really start until well after midnight but I was yawning and damn near out of excitement by the time he actually showed up.  The girls actually made it back from the beach and had been for several hours by the time he showed up and Kelly actually tried to usurp my spot.  I was actually sweatin’ there for quite a while because she could probably have done it really easily even though it would have been really really mean.  I don’t think she understood how potentially legendary the night could have been for me when all she wanted was to just go out and she already has friends at home who sleep with rockstars and stuff like that so to her it wasn’t a big deal.  She conceded eventually though and I was in the car with Omar who has to be about 33 years old and also there was this Norwegian girl I know who goes to school here and I never would have expected to see sitting in the passenger seat when I got in the car.  We swung by the place where the party was going to be held and no one was there really around 11 but it was the nicest place I’ve seen in all of Tanzania so far.  It was this hotel/restaurant (you can bet that just about every hotel will have a restaurant here) that was right above this nice beach with a view of the city to the South along the peninsula.  As soon as you walk in, you see this nice, clean, new-looking tile pool with the cool color-changing lights going.  Then there is the big DJ table and, dance floor right next to it.  I wish I had my camera.  It looked like a place for some celebrity cocaine party or something in L.A. where everyone’s just so rich that it hurts.  They had this area to sit down on these swanky white couches right by the dance floor and the first little booth area has a sheet of paper that says “RESERVED   DJ. OMAR” (I swiped this before I left and now have it posted on my bulletin board right across from where I’m sitting/typing right now.)  There was nobody there yet so we took off to go get a drink and then come back.

By the way, I apologize to my parents, aunts, uncles, family friends, church members, whoever else is reading this.  I’m not totally sure of the entire extent of my readership but the content of this post is mostly catered to my friends and I’m even more sorry that it’s going to get a little worse in a few paragraphs.  This is real life though…

We killed some time at this little shed-bar not far from the university before Omar got a call from his friend who said it was happening back at the hotel.  Remember this guy who called though because he comes up again.  His name is Seif or something that sounds like the word “safe” in English.  I also set a reminder on my phone to remember the name of this place and it went off about an hour ago saying “Mediterraneo hotel/bullshit”.  I’ll make the second part of that more clear soon.  We returned to the place after we all finished our bottles, got the car stuck in some sand trying to park, but freed it and headed back in.  Much different scene than before and once again I was completely caught off guard in Tanzania.  The make-up of the people there was at least 75% white people and a lot of them were pretty young looking but we were the only UDSM students there, so what the hell do all these other people our age do in Dar?  I think most of the crowd was European or South African and it’s usually pretty easy to tell this just by looking at people.  Let it be known to all those reading that I hate clubs/clubbing/club life/club culture.  This may break Karly’s heart but she most definitely knows it.  If you read this blog from back in my first year at UBC, I think the theme was my despise of clubs.  It actually could use a good sociological analysis and maybe one day I’ll write a masters thesis on it or something like that but that’s supposing I can tolerate being in the place for that long.  I mean, everyone has their obvious club outfit (might as well be a uniform) on and they’ve generally done obvious grooming.  Then there’s just the way men and women interact at these things.  Not for me in the least.

We slide into our special VIP seats because we’re so special and get some drinks going.  I’m trying my hardest to look as cool and deserving of such a seat but I’m too busy being in shock at how strange of a place I’ve wound up in again.  I was definitely surprised to see the young people there because I hadn’t seen them around campus but don’t let me fool you into thinking it was a young crowd because there definitely were also a lot of white people that had left their youth years earlier.  Laura and Ashley draw my attention to this guy at the bar who’s maybe a little over 40 and just actively petting and stroking this girl’s ass who’s with him.  The thing is that she’s like 22 and black which makes me think either she’s a prostitute or she’s with him because he’s rich (which is also essentially prostitution).  Even though it was nowhere near me, it kind of freaked me out as to whose company I was amongst.  Did I swim into shark infested waters on accident?  Are these people my enemies?  I would have liked to believe that everyone else around was just nice expats who work for NGOs and were out having fun but this was a really ritzy place where everything’s as close to Western standards as I’ve seen anywhere.  “How much sin and morally reprehensible things have these people committed?” I wonder.  I’m a man of the people and I prefer the company of the blue collared, redneck, downtrodden folk that are the real spine of society but here I am amongst all of these high-class, just-here-to-dance-and-be-amongst-other-classy-people people.  I think of that scene in Pulp Fiction where Bruce Willis gets the sword in the pawn shop and just goes medieval on those sick bastards.

See this is the part of the blog where you’re getting the not pretty side of my mind and I think a lot of my friends can understand better where I’m coming from than my parents or family friends can.  I assure you there’s nothing to worry about.  Whatever impression you had of me before is still right… don’t make me regret sharing my life stories with you.  Consider this education.  And once again, I’m sorry for this next part.

I was a little distracted from the hooker molester because Seif (Remember him?  Well I had just been introduced to him a few minutes earlier as well) had a request of me.  “Have you ever rolled a cigarette or weed before?”  “I’ve seen my friends do it…”  This usually isn’t adequate experience but he just hands me a rolling paper and then pulls this weird little thing out of his pocket.  I look at this little weird lumpy thing and then back at him.  Was I supposed to crush this thing up?  What is it even?  He sees my confused look and says “you open it up”.  Okay… What have I gotten myself into?  I’ve never done this before (see, you should be proud here for at least a second) but I’ve seen other people do it and I’ve watched TV/movies so it can’t be that hard… Actually that’s not even totally what I was thinking but more I was panicking and just moving because he was just standing right there above me and there’s no way I’m getting out of this one alive and well unless I just do what I gotta do.  Think fast.  Okay well it has to be kind of crushed and loose.  Okay it has to be on the paper and then you kind of roll it a little bit.  Wow the pressure’s on.  This would be easier if we weren’t 10 meters from the ocean and the wind wasn’t blowing everything around.  This would be easier if I hadn’t had anything to drink before that though my nerves would be a little more high.  This would be easier if there wasn’t music playing and lights flashing.  Okay, think… You need to tear off some paper and put it in here, right?  Then they always lick it.  Why isn’t it sticking?  Oh there’s actually glue on here.  Oh I have the paper backwards.  Is this even weed?  It doesn’t matter, just keep moving.  “Scott, what are you doing?”  “I DON’T KNOW!  He just handed me this stuff and now I gotta do this” I hiss to Laura and Ashley.  They look confused.  I’m confused.  Ashley, hold this, I gotta flip this over and start over kind of.  Ok you put this here, kind of pack it in and then fold and lick.  This still isn’t really sticking… I spilled this stuff everywhere.    …umm okay it’s holding kind of still… “Guys, as soon as I hand him this we need to get out on the dance floor.”  I give him it and he says thanks or something and I walk off before he can even get a good look at it.  He asks if I want to smoke it with him.  It seems like you’re supposed to smoke the first joint you ever roll but I didn’t even know what I did or know what’s in it so I think I’ll pass.  Keep moving and just get out there and dance.

I still felt like I was in the lion’s den a bit because I hate clubbing anywhere and I don’t know how I feel about any of these people here.  Hey though.  Don’t forget what this is all about.  Busta Rhymes is supposed to be coming.  I want to tell my friends that I met Busta Rhymes, not that I almost met him or was supposed to meet him.  They say the concert ended at midnight and it’s past 2 at this point and it doesn’t seem like more people are coming in.  They said there’s one other after party going on at this other club but some people were pretty confident that he’d come to this one.  Whatever, just keep dancing, enjoy the night.  I ordered a Safari from the bar because I needed to drink a little more in order to loosen up and dance when these people make me so uneasy.  Safari is the cheap, strong beer and it was my way of showing my affiliations to all of the other people around me.  A small protest, but one none the less.  Screw these people anyway, I’m here to meet Busta Rhymes…

The night wears on and still no sign of him.  Is he such a big star that he doesn’t even show up places until like 3:30 in the morning?  No.  He’s not.  I’m pretty sure the dude’s like 40 years ago.  There’s a chance that he has grandchildren.  Maybe he just likes making music and then he goes to bed afterwards or something, I don’t know.  The night was winding down and people were starting to leave.  The DJs only have about 30 songs that I’ve heard two times already so we were on the third rotation.  We sat down, hoping to say we should get a move on and we talked about how nice it would be to get some food though I don’t think it’s early enough for places to be open and it’s definitely too late.  It’s after 4 AM and “I’ve Gotta Feelin’” comes on.  This song must be so old at home and even past the point of people being sick of it, just simply moved on.  I expected to hear it a lot when I first got here but I’d only heard it one time at the grocery store in my first week or so here but I’ve heard “We Are The World” play at that same grocery store (and in my dorm) than the Black Eyed Peas.  You have to admit though that it is really catchy and I’ve got good memories attached to it so I had one last good dance to it before I resigned to lay low until it was time to leave.

Omar gets us back to the girls’ dorm at 4:30 AM after the guards extort some money from us because they helped push the car out of the sand when we arrived (bull crap) and we were still really hungry when he pulled away.  I ask if they have anything to snack on, they say yes, and we start heading up to their rooms.  Visitors around allowed after midnight though and I get up maybe one and a half flights of stairs before this guard starts chasing after me, telling me in Swahili that I can’t come in, and carrying a big club in his hand.  I didn’t even know what he was saying but I would have gotten the message even if it was in Cantonese so I was already heading back down the stairs.  We snacked on some bread, shortbread cookies, and this thing that Ashley’s roommate’s sister made that she calls a “bajaji” and is like a samosa with a fried dough outside.  Insanely delicious.  We converse a little bit longer and I lament at having to be extra careful to not wake up my roommate when I get back but still unlock the door, get my teeth brushed, yadda yadda yadda.  I walk towards my dorm as I see the horizon changing color.  I return to my room to be reminded that I hadn’t put the coversheet back on the mattress after I washed it earlier in the day.  It was late, I was tired, so I just laid down my normal blanket and used the mosquito net as kind of a blanket (it’s past their feeding hours anyway I think).  It was 5:15 in the morning and I think the latest I’d ever been out.  I didn’t get to meet Busta Rhymes but I still lived.

This whole thing was still crazy though and for one night I lived in a world that I don’t need to be reminded isn’t for me.  I’m still not sure what I learned from this night in the end but I can’t lie and pretend like I’m not glad it happened.  That’s essentially the story of my life right there.  I may not have been comfortable with my surroundings, I might have done some things that seem out of character, but I’m still the same person in the end and I have one more story to tell.  It would have been easier to just slap hands with Busta and tell people about that but the point I’m trying to make to all of the journalism majors out there is that you don’t always get the story you’re expecting to find.  You just gotta follow where the news leads.

(Edit: second lesson to journalists found in this post is journalistic integrity and honesty.  Notice how you have to tell the true story even if it doesn’t make you look good.)

God Bless.