Today marks 13 years since my brother, sister, and I were left motherless, my dad without a wife, my grandmother with one less daughter, my aunt and uncle without their little sister, and the world with one less good person.
In the past, I’ve had long things to say about this and I could spill my heart onto these pages but I grow older every year. I grow older every year and it always seems different the next time. It’s been 13 years and I’m 21 now though, so you do the math. 13 years and I’m still surprised there’s so much pain sometimes. 13 years and it still matters everyday.
I know I don’t talk about this a lot and maybe some people reading this now are just learning this about me and my family for the first time. I can’t explain it though. And even if I could explain it, I don’t think you’d understand. That’s not a bad thing though. Be happy that you can’t understand. It means you haven’t had to deal with something that I often can’t believe is a reality and that it actually happened to my brother, sister and me.
As I grow older, I’ve come to realize more and more each year that it wasn’t just me that it happened to. It wasn’t even just my family. This sort of thing happens everyday unfortunately, and it just matters such. Even if I’m not talking about it, it’s there. It matters. I’ll die never knowing the full extent of the impact. We all will.
I don’t feel much like going very deep into this tonight. This is something I may just save for another time or maybe I’ll never post it at all if I do end up writing more. The message I want to send is simple: be thankful for everyone in your life and don’t take anyone for granted. Even if it’s just for today, please do this for me. Let someone know you appreciate them because you won’t always be able to. Every life matters and everyone is someone important to someone else, even if they’re not that way for you. I’m serious when I say that I want anyone who reads this to take some time to just forget any adversity you have with someone and just respect them as another living person that is equally deserving of love and respect and everything else as you are. I don’t think this is too much to ask.
I know it may be hard for some people to imagine where I’m coming from and sadly for others not so much, but I just want something good to come out of this day that has historically been so difficult. It doesn’t have to be your mother or a relative or anything, just somebody. Anybody. Please, I’m not asking a lot. If you know me at all, care for me at all, or even just happened to wander on here, do this for me. Actually don’t even do it for. Do it for yourself or do it for someone else. How about doing it for Diane Lucille Berry?
Thank you. I love you all.
Monday, December 28, 2009
I still don't know if this is cool to do or not, but I noticed Maddy's been posting photos, so check them out:
http://picasaweb.google.com/maddy2moo
Also, I think my computer is at risk of breaking down which would be a very very bad thing. Let's hope this doesn't happen.
*Just want to note that I got to walk past the monkeys on my way here and then scared off a pack of wild mongooses (mongeese?) to get my spot here with my computer and I'm still watching them now. This place is wild.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
First off, Merry Christmas to everyone. It definitely didn’t feel like it here, I have to admit though I guess it was still just an okay day. Most of the foreign students are out of town for at least the weekend but I think the six from CIEE who left won’t get back until after new years. Those of us stragglers have been hanging out and trying to keep busy. It’s weird with no one here around campus – even my roommate’s gone. I’ve been so busy lately with homework and all of these other essays I’m working on to try and get an internship or some scholarships that I really haven’t been able to type up anything for this blog. I feel like there are some huge gaps in here over the last couple weeks and a lot is missing which I regret but I guess there’s not much I can really do about it. I don’t really know what I intend to be doing or accomplishing right now in this blog, I just have some free time and am sitting alone in my room the day after Christmas so I gotta talk to someone or something I guess. I have been planning on writing up a long post for the new year but I’m going to write that at a later date. I have been coming up with resolutions as well as looking at my old ones and I have a good outlook for the upcoming year. The reason I’m hesitating on starting it now is because I have plans to go to Arusha in northern Tanzania for New Year’s celebrations with some other CIEE people who will be there at the same time, then spending the next two days in Moshi before returning here for school again. Traveling to Arusha is going to take something like 10 hours on a bus so that gives me wayyyyyyyyyy too much time to write up everything and think because I’m going to be heading there on my own without anyone to talk to. We’ll see how this goes.
Ya know, I’m really trying here. I’ve never been challenged like this before and the challenges are definitely coming in forms that I did not predict at all. Just trying to do homework in the dorm has been a huge challenge because it’s always so noisy. Actually, for that matter just trying to sleep here has been difficult and incredibly frustrating. I can’t exactly go to the library to do work either though because I can’t bring a bag in there and I don’t think I’d be able to plug in my computer anyway. It’s also disappointing to wake up every morning and find that the water isn’t running so I have to shower from a bucket and wait until later to do my laundry (out of the same bucket). I think what I’m trying to say here is that I need a change of scenery. I’m tired of being in school and in classes here. I’m tired of dealing with all sorts of other things that are out of my control and having this have a negative impact on my education. I want to be doing something else. Even if it’s worse, I still welcome change at this point. This isn’t to say that I’m not enjoying myself here but more that I didn’t really find my niche here and I want to take some action and create some change. I’m sure there will be plenty of this in my New Year’s post so I’ll just change topics now.
One other reason that I’m heading out to Arusha for New Year’s is that the internship I’m trying very hard to get instead of doing a second semester here would have me located in Arusha so I want to see the town. I don’t know if I talked about it before on here and I don’t know if I want to publish a lot of things on here talking about it because I don’t want to jinx anything at this point. I’d just be very excited to get this and I think it’s a really good fit so I’m working to try and do what I can in order to get it all set up. Pray for me, hope for me, do whatever you have to do. I don’t want to place too much significance on this thing but I really think it could make a monumental difference in how I remember this experience and time in my life. I haven’t heard a whole lot of good things about Arusha and it really sounds like it can’t even be compared with Stone Town on Zanzibar where some other internships are available which sounds like the coolest place I can think of in this country, but in terms of the actual work done by these different organizations, the choice is obvious for me. Okay, I’m going to cut off this topic as well again because it’s just not the right time yet. I just hope I go to Arusha, find it better than here at least and then get my application all worked out.
I had plans to head to the beach yesterday for Christmas because I’m assuming I’ll probably never been in a tropical coastal city on Christmas day again in my life. I was pretty excited about the prospect of lounging under a palm tree in my Sheed jersey sipping on a pina colada for Christmas but come Christmas morning here, we were advised by several people not to try and go to the beach on that day because it gets really busy and there are security risks. Bummer. So that left three of us completely planless, but at least we weren’t alone. I even had something to open on Christmas day as a matter of fact and I opened a holiday card from my step-sister as well as a small package from my dad with an awesome U of O Rose Bowl shirt and some candy. I also got to hear from some family via phone throughout the day so it was well. Laura, Jessy and I tried to just track down this sushi restaurant we had heard of instead of going to the beach. In reality, the weather was not ideal for a day at the beach anyway as it was windy at times, gray, and it even rained briefly. Still, we had to do something other than mope around the dorms (which we did do for a while). It was pretty obvious that everyone was feeling a little lonely and depressed and none of us really felt like it was actually Christmas. I guess it’s come to pass now and I probably won’t ever be in this situation again on Christmas, but I can honestly say I don’t feel like yesterday was Christmas at all or even close so I guess I just didn’t have one this year. On top of that, the sushi restaurant didn’t even open yesterday so we ate at this little pub place that was alright just not Christmasy at all either. I was able to buy some gifts though yesterday and if you’re on my nice list I’m trying to get you something that I can give you when I return.
I’m trying to make the most of this experience and it’s just very difficult to balance school work with all of the other opportunities that exist out there. I do care about my grades and I don’t honestly understand how everything is graded here so I’m just trying to do as well as I can and see how it turns out. I should have just taken a lot of random easy classes so that I could go out and get drunk every night but I will admit that I am learning some interesting things in my courses. I just have been through this whole education tap dance for too many years now and I just know how it goes. Just being real here, but I’m tired of being in school. Sorry for writing that for the hundredth time but I’m feeling it for the hundredth time as well. I’m not just in school because I need credit and a degree but because I actually want to learn some things that will inspire me. That’s been the most disappointing thing about college for me. I was really hoping it would be different than high school in that you don’t just look at the books to figure out what you need to know for the tests and the paper but instead the teachers cared more about blowing your minds than hearing you regurgitate crap from the book. But hey, that’s “teaching”. Discussions and seminars are the same way – just say what the TA wants you to say and talk enough so they know your name and you get an A. Maybe it’s me that’s wrong in my approach but I honestly don’t feel like a lot of teachers really care enough about the subjects that the university makes them teach (and this goes for all schools I’ve been at so far and there also are many exceptions) to try and get the students emotionally invested and passionate about the topic. I could have learned all of these things from the books and texts they are teaching from and they’re hardly giving their own position on things. It’s a system. Do what you have to do within the system in order to keep it operational and moving along. Business as usual. In the end, the machine pumps you out and you have a degree in your hand and then you go, apply a fraction of that knowledge and just be what you’re naturally inclined to be anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten pretty good at critical thinking, logic, and all those sort of things by this point and those really are invaluable skills that matter outside of school. This I appreciate, but the subject matter of courses just isn’t doing what it’s supposed to be doing. I don’t think it’s too unfair for students to demand more, especially with the amount of money we’re paying (except in those European countries where there university is free). We’ve come too far and worked to hard to just be put through the same song and dance only at a higher level. We’re capable of some pretty amazing things and it’s being squandered by this system. I know I can write a paper. I know I can memorize the significance of certain things. How the hell do you think I got here? Let’s break some ground here and do something new. Whatever. It’s not going to change. As long as people can get their degrees and move on then it’s cool. I’m just as guilty as the rest of them, just currently fed up.
So this is what happens when I start writing a post with no ideas in mind. This is actually more what I expected this blog to be like and kind of what it used to be like back when I was on summer break after my year at UBC. Just a series of incoherent rants that don’t really go anywhere. Oh the frustrations of a middle class white male. Oh no, here comes the second rant about how I’m self-loathing for having such trivial complaints. Hopefully not, but it’s true, especially being here, that my petty problems from home really don’t amount to the real concerns of people here… actually even for a lot of people in the U.S. I don’t want to pass any judgment here, especially because most of the people who read this are of the same background as me and don’t like to feel guilty about the fact that our lives are different. They’re just different, that’s all. It’s not better or worse or anything, just different and I don’t want to judge anyone for that, so don’t let me. We’re all victims of the circumstances in which we were born except for some of us we’re only victims in the sense that we aren’t victims. I’ve been preaching this for years and I really need to stop because it hasn’t really gotten me anywhere, but I just don’t want to take it for granted that I am socially positioned well. I hate that I find it hard to relate to people of a different socio-economic status and that I have no answers for why I was raised the way I was and they were the way they were. It sucks to not have any answers and it’s really disempowering. The saddest part though is just that such stupid things have a real impact in how we interact with each other as humans. I don’t know. I’m going to put this one to rest now too.
Well I hope you’ve enjoyed my ramblings or that you at least disagreed with a lot of what I’ve said. These are the topics I really wonder about and grapple with, not so much the things I’m learning in class. The things you can say to me in a discussion are more likely to have a lasting impact on the way I think than the things I learn in class, at least usually. It’s just really surreal to be halfway across the world saying the same stupid things I’ve been saying for years but I guess I’m just spending too much time trying to perpetuate my lifestyle just in a new location. I’m hoping this new year brings new opportunities and that I actually push myself to take action this time. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me and I want to do it right. I haven’t been so far and I’m aware of that but I’m trying to correct this. I miss you all though and I appreciate the season’s greetings I’ve been receiving. It’s nice to be in your thoughts and prayers and I’d like to do something significant while I’m here so that I have an experience to take back home and share with you. I want the impact of this experience to extend far beyond myself and I’m going to work towards something.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Stay tuned for the upcoming post because I have high hopes for it.
This sucks.
This is lonely.
This is depressing.
This is only just beginning.
I don't know if it's just because all of my friends left town it seems like and I still have class or maybe that this time of year has been difficult for me historically but I really don't want this right now.
It's weird that the most foreign (for me, at least) experiences I've had here are ones that I pretty much could have had at home and I never imagined would happen to me here.
I've been terribly busy this last week and it looks like the next couple weeks will be the same way. So many tests and assignments and such. I actually have a book review due on Christmas Eve as well as a research paper due for the same class on January 5th. Unbelievable.
This last week has been a roller coaster though and I've been wishing I had more free time and could write in here a lot, but school is just more important right now as is doing things other than sitting around worrying or pondering about life. I'll just try and give some bullet points or a condensed version right now though.
First off, this:
BAM! Sorry it's reversed because I did it in the mirror, but you're looking at a Sheed jersey right there, folks. Someone tell Zack Bloom right now. I'm guessing it's circa 1999 or so but it's in very decent shape all things considered. Also, Sheed's just one of my favorite Blazers of all time. This was a bright point in what was otherwise a shitty day. Here's how it happened...
We went to visit some of our local friends in their hood called Tip Top and this place is the real deal. I've been wanting to write about this since the second I got there and I'm not going to get to do it right now because my battery is dying but it was a very awesome experience. CIEE just sent out a newsletter to parents I think and it's got a photo from when we were there just cooking some dinner. On the way to Tip Top though, Ashley (who goes to PSU) saw this jersey hanging at some shop randomly along the way at one of the dala dala stops. She told me and she thought it was a store full of Blazers jerseys or something (it wasn't, unfortunately) but I made sure I had a view and watched diligently out the window the entire way back, memorizing where it was. To cut the story short, two days later I was rockin' the Sheed.
OKAY battery's dying here. Campus internet is back up here much to my surprise and I bought this modem so that I can access internet from my room now. It cost me a pretty penny that could have been spent elsewhere, but I was able to use Skype (with VIDEO even) for a good half hour I think yesterday and it cost much less than I think it does for people at home to call me. Also, I think it was the first conversation I've had with Quinn where we got to end it on our own terms instead of running out of money or something. Good stuff...
Well I need to be doing more homework anyway, but I thought I'd just say hey. Still working on finding an internship for next term. This one looks like it might happen though I don't want to jinx it:
Today marks 10 weeks, 70 days. I would like to be celebrating but I'm just frustrated right now. Where else in the world will campus internet be not working because "the bill was too much". This is just the worst timing for this because I really need to be in contact with certain people right now, especially to find out what I'm going to be doing with myself here next term. Last time this happened, it took about 3.5 weeks to get going again. It was cute back then because I thought it would be an interesting experience but not anymore. Just frustrating.
